The Unwinable Battle

We all know it is one of the most dangerous places to be in the world. And it's as controversial as it is violent. Everyday another story of bombs or missiles being sent back and forth by Israel and the Palestinians. It's hard to watch two people hate each other with such contempt. Everyday we read videos of innocent Palestinians being killed, and the oppressive reign of an Israel unwilling to use diplomacy. We watch videos of the Israeli's being forced into retaliation because they are being hit by bombs from immoral terrorists who have no intention of peace. Surely, there are people in these countries who can see the true situation? Wasn't there an anti-Vietnam war song that said, "nobody's right, if everybody's wrong?" When kids are getting kidnapped and killed this can't be right. People must see there is no justification for bombing a hospital. Unless this hospital is filled with Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, and John C. Calhoun. But, modern day Palestinians have no such hospitals. Just normal people. You can see Israel's side, since their independence they've been at war it seems. Constant attacks in which they tried to give back, but were betrayed repeatedly. Unfortunately, now they have taken it too far. They are not doing just enough to remain a state, but they are making sure Palestine never becomes one. Perhaps, there can be no peace. They seem to have passed the breaking point. Why can't they share? I don't know. Perhaps it's hard to give up land either way for both sides. They are unwilling to concede anything out of fear the other will gain too much power. So all the innocent people are left to die. There is no good guy in this war. Nobody is right. As long as both sides educate their own children to hate the other, there is no hope. They must understand we are all people. Both sides have good hearted, smart people, who can make a difference. But, it's become part of the culture to despise the other side beyond thinking of them as human. Once an enemy is dehumanized, there is no way to empathize with them. If you cannot empathize with your enemy, you will never find peace. "There is no enemy, there are only dumbies who also love their families." -AJJ
I've heard both sides, I have not seen either place. I cannot truly tell you either perspective. But, from what I have heard, I just feel sorry for everyone who is endangered over this unfortunate situation.

FInd Your Way Pal

Everyone is a philosopher. If you think, you have an opinion, and you have some sort of perspective on how life should work. Or maybe your opinion is that opinions are irrelevant because they are unique to either nothing or everything. Either way, you have an opinion. Whatever your opinion is, you should follow it to your best ability. Nobody is perfect, you will cross the line at some point, but just use your belief as a general point of reference. Some people use religion. It's never fair to categorize a large group of people into one generalization, but for the average spiritual person, I believe they are looking for a guide. Something superhuman that has power to control their world. So, whether it be something good or bad, there is a reason. It's what that was supposed to happen according to that faith. However, not all religions require a super natural presence, some are more oriented in self righteousness or inner peace.  Non-religious people have many options. One is to believe in science. To believe nature controls the world around us. Or they can believe in self preservation, or in people working for a greater cause. But, they can also believe in nothing. Anyone can believe in nothing, and if you believe in nothing, you have nothing to work for, or focus on. You have no life. Whether you believe that life is created by you or someone else. And if you have nothing, you have no reason to live. But, everyone has a reason to live, you just need to find something you enjoy. A passion. But that's just the problem with not having a perspective. Another major problem is when you become overly focused on your own perspective. (Self-indulgent) If you believe in nothing and become depressed yourself, you are hurting only you and the people you care about. (Although by believing in nothing you are not automatically depressed.) However, not allowing other people to have their own ways of living and being respectful of their own ideology can be harmful. Now, if the other ideology is human sacrifice and you were roofied and wake up with a knife by your heart then that's a different story. But, if someone follows a different religion then you, it is possible to coexist. People are different, they come from different places and backgrounds. They have different genetic make-ups and different traditions. Each person may have a different method of living their own life. If it isn't hurting anyone, then let them live in peace. This isn't anything deep, it's just an ideal.

Theories of an 18-Year Old Drama King

What would it be like to be the last human on Earth? The only human in the known spectrum of existence. It's odd to think about. All the literature about people sticking together. Sayings like, " A house Divided against itself cannot stand," would have no meaning. There would be no confrontation between people. No empathy, nor apathy. No emotional bonds. Just one person. Society would mean nothing. No cultural norm, or social awkwardness. No communication. One person would have all the knowledge. What would you do? Look for something? Or someone? There would be no one. You would only have yourself, and what's around you. Not who's around you. In our world we often look at others for assurance. If we do something we don't know very well, we often look around to try and figure it out from someone else. Maybe you don't want to voice your opinion unless someone else shares a similar one before you. You're too embarrassed. There would be no embarrassment. You'd have to cope with yourself. There wouldn't be humanitarians. No reason to work for the greater good. What would selfishness be. It would be everything, all you could do would be for yourself. Yet, it couldn't be selfish because it wouldn't take anything from anyone else. It's a weird way too look at something. Before going into a social situation that makes you nervous, what if you thought like that? Thinking You're the last person.Would you just go and do what you wanted. Pretend to be the only person so you could have fun. Would you just observe, and take in everything around you. Appreciate life around you. Or a mixture. It could give you confidence, but it could also make you selfish or arrogant. That's often how I see people. People who think there are only leaders and followers. That's all life is to them. They think they need to lead, or be lead. People who see themselves as leaders can often place themselves above others. The guy who cuts everyone else at a traffic light. Some people want to be leaders who everyone looks up to. The guy who puts his followers before himself. I suppose that is noble. What about followers though. They must have self-esteem problems. Thinking they know their place. They don't have to be lower than anyone. Why should I care if that's what they want? Maybe I just want them to at least give it thought that they could be more. If they have and are still content, then more power to them. Yet, I don't see leaders or followers. I see that person who's all alone. Who leads him or herself, no matter whether anyone else is around. It's okay to follow sometimes, as long as you are deciding you want to. Just know what you are following. If you don't want to follow, then it's okay to be alone. Just be okay with being alone.

The Same Old Thing

Sometimes people forget the situation they are truly in. It comes down to the details. I see people who are looking for something. Maybe it's because I'm looking for something. Looking for who I am, or maybe what I am. I don't know. I don't have to know. Some people do have to know. With no sense of direction in their life they feel lost. They focus on the goal they set for them self, because they are afraid of being nothing. Or maybe having nothing. But what happens when you focus on that goal? You miss out on everything else. You don't see any other side. You're looking at three dimensional objects with a two dimensional screen. But, maybe that works for you. If you're content then there is no need for change. However, your way may not work for everyone. It's important to see that. If you are 6 foot 8 inches maybe your easiest way to score in basketball is to dunk. But, for a 5 foot 2 person, maybe there better off with a layup. Or who knows maybe they established a nice mid range jumper. If your dunk isn't there, it's important to be able to give the ball off to your teammate for that layup. You can't be so stubborn on one way of scoring. Or one way of life. How do you get a job? Maybe you earn from your parent? You're dad was a successful businessman. He taught you everything you know. You take over for him. Maybe you need to practice on your own. Get an internship as a doctor, get a taste of what it's actually like. Maybe you're an artist. You like using your own creativity. Whatever works for you. Just make sure it's working for you. Your way doesn't have to be everyone Else's way. It just has to work for you.

Whose World Is it Anyway?

Sometimes, it's hard to look at yourself. Especially with everything that is going on in life. And there is a lot, whether it be war in Israel/Palestine, political aggression in the Ukraine, political obscurity in the U.S., Jeter's last season, Germany winning the cup, Dawn of the planet of the apes, new Pink Floyd albums, or whatever. There is a lot around us. But, what about ourselves. How often do you stop to look at yourself. Just think about what you're doing. Not what the world is, what society is, but who you are. You can't control the world. You can only control yourself. I've always thought that I am important, in the grand scheme of things. Like I should be doing something that will be revolutionary. Something that will benefit as many people as I can.That isn't very realistic. When I look at myself, I see a kid. A child who is scared. Petrified. Where am I going, and what have I done? I've made memories for myself. Accomplished some life goals. And at almost 19 years old I have time. But, how will I use it. I'm not just scared of myself, but of what will happen. Man fears what he can't understand. It's how you approach this fear. For 18 years I hid from it, now I finally feel as though I am fighting back. There are many ways to go about any obstacle in life. There is no right way, there is no way that is predetermined. Destiny springs from decisions. There is no way to disprove destiny, therefore it is impossible to say it does not exist. However, it is not proven. You can choose to believe in destiny, believe there is a plan that will always guide you in the right direction. If that helps you then so be it. If you prefer to believe you are in control, and that each decision you make is from freewill, then you are free to decide that. Just decide something. If you don't look at yourself, you'll never know who you are. You will get lost in everyone Else's world. Do the things they want, feel the emotions brought on by their actions. You don't have to be a go getter, you just have to find complacency. If you are content with the way something is, you don't have to let anyone else persuade you other wise. Greed is when another person persuades you to give up your happiness. Your complacency. Nobody owes anyone anything. Your life is lived for you. If you want to screw someone over. You are free to do so. You just have to live with the consequences. Whether it be jail, execution, or guilt. Finding who you are is a never ending process. Our views and our needs are constantly changing just like the world around us. You just have to take the time to see if you're changing yourself, or if everything around else, is changing you.

Fuck Thinking

Fuck Thinking. Thinking makes me think. Why are people so controlled by their thoughts? Can we control our thoughts? If we are driven by our thoughts, can we truly be accountable for our actions? What if people were held accountable for their thoughts? We'd all be fucking criminals. The mind is a horrible place. Thought is a strong part of each person. You're thoughts may lead you to religion, productivity, ingenuity, happiness, rage, depression, cults, pop culture, or what have you. Thinking is what makes you tick. But, I already wrote something about perspective, and how that's more important. But, thinking goes hand in hand with perspective. Thinking allows you to have multiple perspectives. Thinking allows me to ramble on in different directions because I have so many thoughts at the same time. It allows me to think that all my posts are starting to sound the same. But think about it, where would we be without thought. It's what makes humans, "intelligent." By thinking we can create and do. Thinking lets us be people. Thinking let's us have our opinions and characteristics. You may think this writing is bullshit. I might think you're a douche bag. I may never know what you are thinking. Actually, I never will truly know what you are thinking, it's your thoughts. That's why we say action is so important. That's the only true relation between people. How we can judge people. Sympathy is a thought. But, providing sympathy to someone is an act. Acts can be faked, but thoughts cannot. Whatever you think, has been thought. An action may come with an untrue thought. Someone may act kindly towards another person, but secretly think that person is annoying. Thinking hurts us because we think about things that hurt us. We may dwell on past events. Or, perhaps we are thinking about good times and happiness. A single thought may be motivation to pursue happiness. Which is probably important. So, to this paradox of whether thinking is good or bad, all i have to say is, fuck thinking. It's fucking confusing.

The Power of Introspection

   This was my college essay, got me accepted to 5/6 schools. Fuck Northeastern. But not you D-fas, you go have fun kiddo. Anyways, thought it might be interesting. 

 I have traveled to some parts of the world that are well known for the peace and tranquility they bring. I have been to The Swiss Alps, and seen the Matterhorn and its glorious snow-capped peak. I have been to the Vatican, to the Holy Sistine Chapel, where Michelangelo depicted God giving life to man, and I have been to Niagara Falls, where the world falls into the calm waters that lie between the United States and Canada. All these natural places allow me to ponder deeply about people.

  

However, I have never felt more satisfied and at peace in one place as I did sitting on a wooden bench in downtown Boston.

  

 The city may be noisy, crowded, and polluted by all types of transportation, by the trains, cars, buses, bikers, and even pedestrians. Yet sitting on that empty bench at night gave me a feeling of relaxation. Even though 4.5 million people surrounded me, I felt isolated in an area that was all mine. I was free to think for myself and go deeper into a solitude we rarely have time for.

   We are all looking for something. Everybody wants to find something out there that is going to make the world better for him or herself. What is out there, though? Why are we looking for something to add to our lives? I don’t mean that we should just be happy for what we have and be satisfied with who we are. No, I truly believe that we can be happy with ourselves just by looking at how we see ourselves. Introspection is a powerful tool.

   If there is something we truly don’t like about us, why don’t we just change what we do not like? Maybe it’s because we are afraid of how society will judge us, and that we will seem “fake” because either the new or old, personality will not appear to be a “real” personality trait. However, I don’t think it’s society that scares us as much as we scare ourselves. We are looking for something else because we are afraid to see that we are unsatisfied with our own lives. To change ourselves, we must recognize that something within us is a problem.

   Since the bench became my place to think, I used it to help me look at myself. I decided that I had always critiqued the people around me, and always been afraid to truly examine myself. I’ve noticed that I often don’t try to understand other people’s perspectives. Instead of always singling out other people’s mistakes, I should try to understand why they made that mistake, while realizing they don’t necessarily think the way I do. I must try to comprehend that each person has a different view on life and I have to consider this in my actions. It’s there own personal philosophy that drives their actions, and I must be respectful of their beliefs.

   How does all this relate to me or to the bench? I am a person who tries to acknowledge my weaknesses so that I can work hard to better myself. But, I am not satisfied with simplicity. So all this thought is something I do regularly, and has even become somewhat of a hobby for me. As for the bench, it just made me think and wonder.  The bench is my place of solitude, where I can try to understand the world around me, but also understand myself.

How My Life Became Livable

The saddest truth that I have come to bear in my life was in roughly my first 17 and a half years. I don't know what it is; It might be a psychological thing, maybe it's from society, or it's just who I am. But, I always felt less than other people. Like other people were more important than myself. And after a while, that method of thinking starts to drain your self-esteem. Eventually it's like the happiness and innocence of being a kid is choked out of you. It happens slowly, but it feels fast. You feel each sadness as a new pain. Every night lying awake, drowning in the sorrows of self-pity, is like gasping for a last breath. It's you crying out, trying to help yourself through your own emotions. But, it doesn't help. From probably 6th grade until sometime in 11th grade I felt this way. I felt alone. I blamed everyone else. I hated myself. I just wanted to belong. Feel some sense of purpose. Then one day I got a text from this girl from school I had met. This was second semester sophomore year of high school. Eventually we started texting more and more. Everyday, all day. I wouldn't sleep until she had stopped texting me that day because she had fallen asleep. She moved away, but I was still able to talk to her. She had some family issues, and I did everything I could to help her feel better during it. I think that's what helped draw her to me. Honestly, I had asked her out before. Over text, like a moron, and she had said no. Maybe I should have known then. Maybe I should have just stopped. But it was after that, when she got feelings for me. Then she told me she loved me. There I was, a 17 year old kid, being told someone loved him. The first time I was nervous. As I imagine most people are. I had never cared about anyone, loved anyone anything, nor had I ever felt loved or cared about by anybody. And now she says she loves me? I hadn't been face to face with her in months. Of course I told her I loved her too. Was it true at that time? Who knows? It probably took her two weeks to decide she didn't love me anymore. At that point, no big deal. It hurt a little, but I hadn't even been around her, it was all just a thought. A good thought perhaps, but still a thought based on an idea, not reality. Then of course later she tells me she loves me again. I told her I wasn't sure. She understood. I thought I learned my lesson. Then I told her I loved her. Guess I forgot my lesson. She invited me to a play at her school. This was during my junior year now. This was the first time I'd seen her since a football game at my school about five months before. She hugged me in a way nobody has ever hugged me since then that day. She grabbed me like I was the answer to all her problems. But the truth was she had been the answer to mine. We started hanging out more. One day we kissed, then we started dating, typical teenage love stuff. You don't need all the specifics. The only thing you need to know, is what she meant to me. She meant everything. That purpose I was looking for, that sense of place had been found. I was here for her. I was supposed to do everything I could to be with her and make sure she was happy. I tried the best I could. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, and there some things I wish I hadn't done, and we fought at times, and she got mad at me, but in my own feelings, there was this overall emotion of love that drowned out everything else. We dated for a year, and about a week after our anniversary she broke up with me. There were lots of things that may have contributed to this. By the time it actually happened we were both ready to move on. And of course the day it actually happened, I was still the one comforting her. I didn't really want to talk to her then. I told her I needed some time. I had told myself I'd give it two weeks and then I'd text her. But, two days before those two weeks were up she sent me a text. I find out that she had already started dating someone else. Maybe I've always been sensitive for a guy, maybe it's just life, and something millions of people have gone through, but I have never felt more alone, broken, hurt, betrayed, Fucked over, or whatever kinda corny heartbreak shit there is. Sorry for the language, but that's just how it feels. I know it's not all her fault. Maybe that makes it more sad. Because the thing that hurts the most is that she was supposed to be my best friend. After I had never cared about anyone, loved anyone, or trusted anyone, the first person I gave everything I had to could just push me away in two weeks. More like 12 days actually. And of course for someone like me, all I can think about is how my own happiness is gone. My sense of place. My purpose. It's all just lost in the winds of time. I no longer think about belonging, or purpose though. I learned what having something to care about is like. I hope to all the people who were like me at 17, that they find that something too. It's odd, I am now blinded my pain in my own needs, that I can't see the bigger part of life that was fueling my sadness. As though selfishness has allowed me to feel important. Hopefully, I am not too arrogant to the people around me, and can still help them with their problems. I understand now it's important to find happiness, because everything else just doesn't compare. Maybe the greatest happiness is love. And I feel as though my purpose is to find whatever happiness I can. Life is corny, there's a reason you hear the same stories over and over again. I hope mine was a different perspective that was interesting, but only you can decide that. If my friends read this I know they'll probably give me a lot of crap, but when I start to feel sad, writing helps me. Hopefully you all can find something that can combat your sad thoughts. And if "she" ever reads this. I'm not mad, I understand. But, I don't know if I can ever just forget everything that's happened. I'm sorry for that, and thank you for helping me to live with myself. I hope everyone can find some happiness in their lives. Everyone deserves at least a little.