How My Life Became Livable

The saddest truth that I have come to bear in my life was in roughly my first 17 and a half years. I don't know what it is; It might be a psychological thing, maybe it's from society, or it's just who I am. But, I always felt less than other people. Like other people were more important than myself. And after a while, that method of thinking starts to drain your self-esteem. Eventually it's like the happiness and innocence of being a kid is choked out of you. It happens slowly, but it feels fast. You feel each sadness as a new pain. Every night lying awake, drowning in the sorrows of self-pity, is like gasping for a last breath. It's you crying out, trying to help yourself through your own emotions. But, it doesn't help. From probably 6th grade until sometime in 11th grade I felt this way. I felt alone. I blamed everyone else. I hated myself. I just wanted to belong. Feel some sense of purpose. Then one day I got a text from this girl from school I had met. This was second semester sophomore year of high school. Eventually we started texting more and more. Everyday, all day. I wouldn't sleep until she had stopped texting me that day because she had fallen asleep. She moved away, but I was still able to talk to her. She had some family issues, and I did everything I could to help her feel better during it. I think that's what helped draw her to me. Honestly, I had asked her out before. Over text, like a moron, and she had said no. Maybe I should have known then. Maybe I should have just stopped. But it was after that, when she got feelings for me. Then she told me she loved me. There I was, a 17 year old kid, being told someone loved him. The first time I was nervous. As I imagine most people are. I had never cared about anyone, loved anyone anything, nor had I ever felt loved or cared about by anybody. And now she says she loves me? I hadn't been face to face with her in months. Of course I told her I loved her too. Was it true at that time? Who knows? It probably took her two weeks to decide she didn't love me anymore. At that point, no big deal. It hurt a little, but I hadn't even been around her, it was all just a thought. A good thought perhaps, but still a thought based on an idea, not reality. Then of course later she tells me she loves me again. I told her I wasn't sure. She understood. I thought I learned my lesson. Then I told her I loved her. Guess I forgot my lesson. She invited me to a play at her school. This was during my junior year now. This was the first time I'd seen her since a football game at my school about five months before. She hugged me in a way nobody has ever hugged me since then that day. She grabbed me like I was the answer to all her problems. But the truth was she had been the answer to mine. We started hanging out more. One day we kissed, then we started dating, typical teenage love stuff. You don't need all the specifics. The only thing you need to know, is what she meant to me. She meant everything. That purpose I was looking for, that sense of place had been found. I was here for her. I was supposed to do everything I could to be with her and make sure she was happy. I tried the best I could. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, and there some things I wish I hadn't done, and we fought at times, and she got mad at me, but in my own feelings, there was this overall emotion of love that drowned out everything else. We dated for a year, and about a week after our anniversary she broke up with me. There were lots of things that may have contributed to this. By the time it actually happened we were both ready to move on. And of course the day it actually happened, I was still the one comforting her. I didn't really want to talk to her then. I told her I needed some time. I had told myself I'd give it two weeks and then I'd text her. But, two days before those two weeks were up she sent me a text. I find out that she had already started dating someone else. Maybe I've always been sensitive for a guy, maybe it's just life, and something millions of people have gone through, but I have never felt more alone, broken, hurt, betrayed, Fucked over, or whatever kinda corny heartbreak shit there is. Sorry for the language, but that's just how it feels. I know it's not all her fault. Maybe that makes it more sad. Because the thing that hurts the most is that she was supposed to be my best friend. After I had never cared about anyone, loved anyone, or trusted anyone, the first person I gave everything I had to could just push me away in two weeks. More like 12 days actually. And of course for someone like me, all I can think about is how my own happiness is gone. My sense of place. My purpose. It's all just lost in the winds of time. I no longer think about belonging, or purpose though. I learned what having something to care about is like. I hope to all the people who were like me at 17, that they find that something too. It's odd, I am now blinded my pain in my own needs, that I can't see the bigger part of life that was fueling my sadness. As though selfishness has allowed me to feel important. Hopefully, I am not too arrogant to the people around me, and can still help them with their problems. I understand now it's important to find happiness, because everything else just doesn't compare. Maybe the greatest happiness is love. And I feel as though my purpose is to find whatever happiness I can. Life is corny, there's a reason you hear the same stories over and over again. I hope mine was a different perspective that was interesting, but only you can decide that. If my friends read this I know they'll probably give me a lot of crap, but when I start to feel sad, writing helps me. Hopefully you all can find something that can combat your sad thoughts. And if "she" ever reads this. I'm not mad, I understand. But, I don't know if I can ever just forget everything that's happened. I'm sorry for that, and thank you for helping me to live with myself. I hope everyone can find some happiness in their lives. Everyone deserves at least a little.