Up and down. There is no in between. bullshit. There is an in-between, just nobody wants to hear about those moments because they're boring. I admit to it, I probably don't want to watch a movie where the character emotes very little feeling in anyway. But I'm not talking about movies, I'm talking about life. The world we live in, or at least believe we live in, but that's another matter. Psychology often teaches us about the ideal self. The quest for a person to be who they want to be. This is where things get fucked for me. I rarely take the chances to make myself happy. In my mind I'm a front-man for both The Kinks and Tottenham Hotspur. As well as a critically writer and philosopher. Now, I have time to do the things I want, but do I have character. Probably not. After all, I'm more of the hold all feelings of rage in guy. Let things bottle up. The sensitive, self-hating type. Sensitivity isn't bad, and the self-hate gives me self-awareness, but would it be better to be a happy asshole, or an unhappy panzie. (pansy?) I guess there is a way to be happy in this not aggressiveness. Somewhere in me, I believe this caring nature is a part of my personality, and to go against that would not be me. But matching the ideal self to ones real self is hard and sometimes scary. Always scary. I haven't done what I want. I'm not where I want to be. Not sure if I'm at the right college, can't escape my ex, can't pursue the new girl I'm interested in, can't sleep, can't exercise, can't work, can't be happy, can't maintain. Overwhelming stress, is harmful. I'm not in danger, I'm not gonna do anything drastic. But I'd like to be motivated. Find some sort of reward. This past summer there were times when I was where I wanted to be, possibly for the first time in my life, I was where I wanted to be. Now I'm not sure. Makes for some interesting writing. Well, at least its not in-between. Psychology and a person's mental health is important, but a lot of times, it gets over thought. There are different perspectives, different methodology, different ways to explore and experience life uniquely. I used to understand more about this, I used to find complacency in this. But, the greed of man, is the thirst for more. I too have become susceptible to this. Yet, it is this very thought that says I don't have to be subject to it. Anyway, life isn't necessarily about finding the ideal self, it's about being happy with your real self.
As always, a quote from the great band, Andrew Jackson Jihad- " I have everything I want, except my set of expectations won't stay the same, goddamn, I really, really hate my brain." Or something like that
