Back For Another Year

So begins another year, another chapter. Opening my calculus book for the first time since last Spring reminds of my academic failures, while Snapchat reminds me of my past social failures. I listen to piano while I try to remember basic derivatives. I switch to Wavves to remember how to not care about my emotions. I'm twenty years old. Time passes by the second. Sometimes I think I'm where I want to be, sometimes not. I begin to believe in altruism, but also apathy. I helped a friend last night without any desire for helping myself, but I also don't know if I did it for her. It's just innate. Not a habit, but an instinct. Help those in need, but not myself. It's quite weird. Some people are more concerned with others that they forget to think about themselves. Some people believe in helping one's self first. Me, I would gladly help someone else before me, but only because I've already thought about me. I am less important. I always take time to think about myself, but I depress myself, so I feel other people are more important than me. If I don't appreciate me, nobody else should. I supposes it's not completely true. There are things I like about myself, things that help me push on. But, now, I look into the future and see the past. A pendulum of time, back and forth. Happiness and sadness. Sometimes somewhere in between. But it can change in an instant. This year I will try again to get better, be happy, make others happy. But who knows. None of you will ever understand me, but most of you already do.