A Life In London

It's day one of being in London. I am with nine other freshman from the University of Maryland. It's an awkward stage, but one that seems to be a part of everyday life. We've spent the day wandering around the city. Everyone is exhausted. But the city holds plenty of opportunity. I started this post a week ago, so now a week has passed. Deal with it. It's odd being in a new country. When the plane lands, it doesn't really cross your mind. Even a week in, it doesn't seem to be that different. It's like any city, the people do their best to look unfriendly, but if you're nice to them, they are nice to you. Last night I left a club around 12:30 and wondered around for 2 hours trying to get home. Although all the directions I got were terrible and ended up having to take a taxi, everyone was very nice to me. Although I wouldn't recommend exploring that way. London is a busy city though. Cars wait for no pedestrian. There are always people out and about. And everything seems ridiculously expensive. It's hard for a college kid on a budget, but at least we can drink. The pubs are fantastic, you walk in, maybe get carded, and buy a beer anyway. Clubs are amazing too, but it's important to go in groups, and they might be expensive. It's not easy learning a new place, in a new country, but it is fun. Imagine having the feeling of knowing a city of 8.5 million people is at your fingertips. There is always more to see. Kind of like life. You can always do more in life. Which leads me to a nice quote by Samuel Johnson, "Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford." Maybe you can want to see more about the world, and get away from London, but it's always a part of life. No matter where you are, there s a way to be happy. You just have to find it. London is where the rest of my life starts. There is no turning back, there is no springing forward. I am in the moment, and it never stops. Just like London. So, I will learn to move on into life, just as I will learn to move into London.

MY Own Worst Enemy

In this world it is sometimes hard to understand yourself. There is so much life holds, how could you possibly know what it is you want from life? I envy the people who can be themselves. The ones who are not afraid to act as themselves in any given situation. The people who hold their own standards no matter what social interaction they are having. I often define myself in 2 ways. I see the person inside my own head, and the person that everyone else sees and defines as me. The ability to understand who you are, and be able to feel comfortable without any kind of internal distress. This may be an impossible idealistic thought, but I still find people who overcome this fear and find a way to create a world that they control. A world where they know they did everything possible to live in a way that they can be at peace with. A feeling of self-fulfillment. Those people don't know what it's like to have a second life. But, I do. When I am around other people I often feel as though my actions are controlled by them. I cannot just do whatever seems right, because I am concerned with that view they have of me. Even if it is not a great reputation, it is still better than the possibility they may actually hate me. The very thought that I may be isolated by the people around me keeps me in constant fear. Even at this moment sitting in a room with mostly people I consider to be my friends, I sit in silence, typing about my emotional distress. How wasteful and pretentious. I have the ability to make connections that will last for years, or at least be polite enough to not sit on my laptop complaining about how unfortunate it is that sometimes I feel sad. As if I think other people don't have problems. They probably have worse problems then me. That is the second world I live in. A world where I am forever trapped by the uncontrollable prison that is my mind. I am my worst enemy, I am what combats my own happiness. Imagine, that, imagine a world where everything has worked out for you, but you cannot be happy because you don;t like yourself. Why don't I like me? Who knows? I may never like me. I could at least tolerate me. So many things in the world, and I am trapped in my own self-indulgent civil war. How selfish. Maybe depression is what I deserve, if I can't be happy with myself, how can I be happy with anything else? I certainly don't deserve it.

Dolla Dolla Bill Y’all

In today’s society, philosophy is often either overused, or underappreciated. All the fashionable businesses seem to have some phony motto that drives their entity to be progressive and up incoming. Whether or not this motto is followed is completely unique to the individual business. In terms, of people as individuals, many hold philosophies that are beneficial to their respective selves or to our society. In some cases, where philosophy is not used, people seem to think, “I don’t care” is an acceptable life approach to everything. I’m not a lawyer or powerful businessman, so I’m not ready to take on the powerful corporations and point out each weakness that seems to be associated with each individual company. Oh well, fuck it, companies like Apple, Google, and Amazon all look to be innovators in the field of globalization and modernizing the world. However, each is really focused on money. I like Google; I use apple products, and amazon too. But, as companies, they can only exist as long as they make enough profit and can manage their services and products. But, the companies are not the problem.

I see a lot of college kids these days. Most want to go into engineering, business, marketing, or whatever will allow them to find a profit in everyday life. Now that these kids are becoming economically independent, they have no choice but to find a career path that is fiscally sustaining.  But, is it really more important for people to be maintaining the corporate ladder, then feeding the millions of starving people on six continents?

Now, this may be a small percentage that is mostly in the new generation, but the western population seems to be leading towards a simplistic lifestyle that involves, (in their terms’) giving zero shits about anything that may not pertain to they’re “extremely” important lives. As though the youth have become an arrogant hierarchy bent on being as unproductive as possible. I hear lots of people now a day who don’t really care about anything that’s going on in the world, the country, town, school, their lives, or anything else. Only social media seems to be the only important thing to them seems to achieve a life absence of any true meaning.

So, what do I think? I think it’s society that’s fucked up. The problem isn’t necessarily that we are only interested in money, or that businesses seem to control the way people think. And, if that’s why people don’t care about anything, because their choices are to not care, or live in a society where you must be productive by being a economically important person. You don’t have to be rich; you just have to serve some service in the GDP. After all, somebody has to clean the corporate bathrooms.

The very idea of money is one of greed, the idea that each object in the natural world can be given a price that determines its worth to society.  Nobody can own land, land is a natural facet of life that can be changed by man, but is still in no true ownership to the universe. The ownership is all through society. The realistic idea is that people need to understand what the world has, and what they can take from it. Of course there is sharing and not everything is so systematic, but people seem to think they can own the world as a society. Maybe some individually, but it’s society that drives the human mind. Society is a natural part of human culture. The mentality to fit in with the people around you allows man to function civilly. However, as long as society is concerned with money and possession, there will be no true production in what the world needs.

But what the fuck do I know? I’m just some kid who thinks he knows life. I’m writing this and even I think it sounds fucking pretentious. God, I’m douchey. I don’t even really offer any proper solution, they say knowing the problem is half the battle, but that’s some corny horseshit. Hopefully, this means something, I honestly do believe there is a problem with society, but I think it can be bettered. A world that is beyond socialism. (Not Fucking communism.) But a world where people are not so overly concerned with having more than one another, and just being able to live in a utopian society where everyone is happy. Just kidding, utopias are not realistic and often lead to cults. But, there must be some less selfish way for humans to interact. Maybe someone who is actually smart will figure it out one day.

More Teenage Philosophy

Why do I constantly look for answers? Are there truly any questions? I find myself always looking for a sufficient truth about the world. As though there is a key to life. As though I need something to look for. Something that is always true. Maybe there are multiple keys I am looking for. First is that undeniable truth, either a philosophy or idea to live my life on. And then a feeling to coincide with that philosophy, so that I can keep my conscience clean and truly enjoy my life. However, how can there be an undeniable truth, something that will always be true. Take for example something so simple as your skin. I’ll use my own skin. I am classified as “white” which is truly pale, in the light. If you look at me in the dark I do not look white or pale. My color has not changed, but there is a different perception. You may say my true color is the pale, we just can’t see it in the light. However, who’s to say this darker gray isn’t my true color. In fact the lighter version only comes from radiation from the sun or electricity. It is syndicated. My natural state is dark. But there is not one shade, different amounts of light exposure will vary my skin tone. But, there is not one skin color that is true to me. So goes this answer to life. There is not one true philosophy. There is no almighty truth that will lead me to happiness. There is variation. Every single aspect of everything has a different possible outcome. Of course once something has happened, it cannot be undone. The real key is that there is no one key, to understand perception is different for everyone and everything. You can’t blind yourself to one truth, by only allowing yourself one path; you deny the opportunity to all the others. This means you have found a truth that is false. Then again, if it’s the path you’ve chosen, isn’t it the truth?

Justice for all... But Mostly Me

Another thing I've already written. Too lazy to make anything tonight.

One observation I’ve made about people is how egocentric most of us are. This is a broad generalization, and there are certainly people in the world more concerned with other =s than themselves, but think about it; when was the last time you were really interested in a conversation with a new person, when that person just kept taking about himself?

            I myself can be very self-absorbed at times. I was recently accepted into Boston University and the University of Maryland. Having lived in the old-line state for 11 years, I want to get away, and had had put BU as my number one choice. The part that makes me selfish is the $38,000 year BU costs compared to in-state at College Park.

            I know many of us are facing college costs, but that’s not the point here. The point is to show that we often put our wants and opinions above others, and what is realistic.

            Think about how many times a day we put ourselves ahead of others. It can be over simple things like who gets the last pizza roll, at what restaurant you choose to eat, or what to watch on TV.  It can be something a little more serious though, such as, cutting off another car that’s driving too slow, or ignoring someone because you were upset about something he or she said.

            They’re many forces that can reflect the reason the other person was acting this way. Maybe they hadn’t eaten all day and needed that last pizza roll or had been craving a certain restaurant. Maybe he missed a relative he hadn’t seen in a while and they used to watch a certain TV show together. Maybe the person driving slowly was driving their newborn baby home for the first time, and maybe your friend was upset about something you said and that’s why she said what she did.

            The truth is people think about themselves, because it’s who we are. It is impossible not to think about ourselves. We are not the center of the universe, but we are the center of our won lives. We want to things in our life to be justified, because we want to be happy. However, this is not an excuse to forget the people who are around us.

Unexplained Struggles

There is pain in my stomach, and bump in my throat. I feel the tingling of Two-headed boy. My mind is racing, desperately trying to avoid my worst memories and my deepest sensitivities and emotional distresses. I have often come to this place. Where I have lost my confidence, the boldness of my voice evaporated in the silent confines of my one-dimensional thoughts. I can't concentrate on one thing. Writing, music, facebook, random thoughts, bad thoughts, paranoia, unreasonable paranoia, stopping just short at disillusioned paranoia. That little pain still jabs my gut. Tearing at it, as if to force the memories in. Face your fears, don't let the thoughts control you. Think it's all just in your head. Everyone feels like this, I'm not crazy. There is fear in my eyes, tears in my heart. I am sometimes trapped in my past, trapped it what cannot be changed. The song chances, I realize time forces change. It's hard to think I'll be gone it 3 days. What about 3 months? 9 months? 4 years? I don't know, how could I. The pain dies down a little bit, I think I can relax. I get this weird feeling, or maybe I'm just reminded of an old thought. Not sure. But, I finally understand, this is me. Even if everyone can't tolerate me. I am not given such a choice. I am distracted by a facebook message. I forget the grand conclusion I was coming to. Spoiled again by corporate media. Something passes through my chest, I gather nerve to tell myself to sleep. I forget the other trouble.

Growing Away From Home

I'm tired, this will be short. I took a trip back to the place that birthed me this past weekend. I went to lovely Columbus, Ohio. I haven't lived there in almost 12 years. Yet, it's always felt like home. I was seven years old when I left, but I've always had family there, and I was raised a die hard buckeye fan. But, after going back one more time, a week before I start college in London, through the University of Maryland, it seems my childhood memories of Columbus are moving on. I never considered Potomac, Maryland to be where I was from. But it's where I've spent 2/3s of my life. The arrogant fog that fills the lungs and minds of each individual who lives here. Including me. After visiting Columbus I realize I know very little of the life of an Ohioan. I will always enjoy going there, and I may go back someday, but for now I realize my true childhood is over. After watching every possible OSU football game, I could, I went back this week to see the Bucks lose a mediocre Virginia Tech team. They got beat, and looked worse then my 1 win high school team back in Potomac. Maybe, not that bad, but it seemed to be the end of an era. It probably won't take Ohio State long to become a good team again, but I may not be able to follow them the way I used to. There is no longer a child in my body, but a young man, who wants to contribute to society. So I guess the point I'm trying to make, is that I used Ohio as an illusion of all that is right. And as long as I could I wanted to be a Buckeye. But, I've grown up, and realized that's not really what I know. I'll always appreciate OSU and Ohio, but it's not my hometown. I have to make a realization of what my life really is. This may be the worst post I've ever written. Goodnight.