Where Does it Lead?

I once could see people. There was a time when I could read the look on someone's face and truly feel as though I understand them. I used to be so concerned with what other people thought, that I couldn't sleep at night out of anxiety that I was too inferior to be in the presence of everyone else. I wanted everyone else to feel happy. I wanted everything to work out for others. I was unhappy, but I was able to think for other people. I felt as though all the pain I felt, was to help someone else. This was a terrible, terrible lie. Not in the way I would have thought. I would have figured that I should be able to find my own happiness, while still being able to help other people. By not caring what other people thought about me, I could actually be myself and enjoy the decisions I make. However, this has not been the case. After being in a situation where I had mostly cared only about someone Else's feelings and making sure they were happy, I was left to find my own happiness. During that particular time, I did not care what everyone else wanted, but just this one person. However, there was a time when this had to end. But, I still found myself not caring about what everyone else thought. For the first time in my life, I only had myself to care about. This put me in an uncomfortable situation. I am finding what it is I really want, so until then, I could not truly embrace finding my own happiness. Instead, I would like to find the feelings where I could understand, and then help the people around me.
             I have become lost, I am isolated in my own feeling. Too insecure to do what will make me happy, and too dependent on other people's happiness to find it for myself. There is no middle ground, there is only pain I find. Whether, it was being lost in the sacrifice of others, or in the self-oriented whirlpool that had caught my emotions and blocked out my ability to feel sympathy or empathy. Maybe, if I find what I want, I can lose this misery. But, how can I know what I want, there is so much and life, and it is so hard to find fulfillment. So, I will forever be lost in contemplation, of why? Why must I feel like this? I could think of how to stop it. But, I have lost the ability to help anyone, even me. I don't know if I ever knew how to help me.