The Feels, Or Lack Thereof

It's not there anymore. There is nothing coming to bring me to the light, nothing that will take charge for me. There is no desire in me to fend for myself, to be a, "man." No need to succumb to the immaculate realizations I have at my darkest moments. Blasting Andrew Jackson Jihad, Wavves, and Defiance, Ohio. I find myself with watered eyes, but unable to cry. I may not find happiness, not ever, but now I do not know if I can even be sad. I do not know what I feel. Sudden sparks of laughter, anxiety, discomfort, sometimes pleasure. I am most definitely human, but lack the ability to be a person. Nobody cares about whether they matter, people just want to feel whatever feels right in the moment. But, nothing feels right anymore. I still desire, but do not hope, nor act, for there is nothing for me. Just a mind waiting to fall to the everlasting clock that is true divinity. My best friends are pity and depression, weighing down my motivation to achieve my believed potential.

The Chains of Freedom

            The world is so ambiguous. People live in different ways and find different meaning through different life experiences. I study psychology, which seems to attempt to identify people through generalizations. The tendencies of people given circumstances based on likeness in the subject at hand towards a similar subject from a past experiment. Yet, psychology, (nor anthropology) can necessarily predict what actions or thoughts may occur from an individual. They only cite tendencies and of humanity and similar character traits in that person to people deemed to be like them.

             Predictions are just guesses, we can make educated guesses, but cannot know what will happen. I've said that the unknown can be threatening. People fear what they do not know. But, people are also wary that they must move forward in their lives, as that is all they can do. the idea of freedom, being able to do as one pleases, almost seems like a fallacy. One does not have the freedom to change what has passed, nor look into how to change the future. Decisions are all made in a moment, in a time. They may come with detailed thought and caution, but it is something that happens within a given moment.

               People long to be free. Freedom is power, power to do as one pleases. Some people would use this freedom for greed, some for others, some for no reason at all. Whether selfishness, or selflessness or anything else, people long to be free. Some people think god has a plan, some believe that we are trapped by destiny, some believe we shape our own future. If there is a path set by god, we are all just characters of play, "all the world's a stage." If it is solely destiny, we are slaves to time, and what will become of us is impossible to change. If the last is true, that we can shape ourselves, perhaps there is some freedom, to live life in the manner we "choose."

              But do we choose our emotions, the actions of others that draw us into our own feelings, beliefs, and actions? Is there truly freedom? Is there truly power in a person to be in control of their own life? Perhaps the only freedom is to choose what one believes to be true.