Out of Ideas

It's hard to know what I'm still doing here, I guess the very fact I'm writing this means I'm feeling a certain way. Being human is so easy it's hard. If you don't think about things too much, you'll always know what to do. When you add on more and more stress builds up inside you. I believe in god. Not an eternal deity, not some overwhelming being, but hope. God did not make people, people made god. He is in all of us, somewhere, waiting. He is what gives us strength, desire, compassion. I'm not religious, I'm just drunk. God is an idea, a real idea. Something to believe in. I believe in people. Even in these times, when I have no reason left to believe. I believe because people are all I know. I have nothing else.

Back For Another Year

So begins another year, another chapter. Opening my calculus book for the first time since last Spring reminds of my academic failures, while Snapchat reminds me of my past social failures. I listen to piano while I try to remember basic derivatives. I switch to Wavves to remember how to not care about my emotions. I'm twenty years old. Time passes by the second. Sometimes I think I'm where I want to be, sometimes not. I begin to believe in altruism, but also apathy. I helped a friend last night without any desire for helping myself, but I also don't know if I did it for her. It's just innate. Not a habit, but an instinct. Help those in need, but not myself. It's quite weird. Some people are more concerned with others that they forget to think about themselves. Some people believe in helping one's self first. Me, I would gladly help someone else before me, but only because I've already thought about me. I am less important. I always take time to think about myself, but I depress myself, so I feel other people are more important than me. If I don't appreciate me, nobody else should. I supposes it's not completely true. There are things I like about myself, things that help me push on. But, now, I look into the future and see the past. A pendulum of time, back and forth. Happiness and sadness. Sometimes somewhere in between. But it can change in an instant. This year I will try again to get better, be happy, make others happy. But who knows. None of you will ever understand me, but most of you already do.

The Feels, Or Lack Thereof

It's not there anymore. There is nothing coming to bring me to the light, nothing that will take charge for me. There is no desire in me to fend for myself, to be a, "man." No need to succumb to the immaculate realizations I have at my darkest moments. Blasting Andrew Jackson Jihad, Wavves, and Defiance, Ohio. I find myself with watered eyes, but unable to cry. I may not find happiness, not ever, but now I do not know if I can even be sad. I do not know what I feel. Sudden sparks of laughter, anxiety, discomfort, sometimes pleasure. I am most definitely human, but lack the ability to be a person. Nobody cares about whether they matter, people just want to feel whatever feels right in the moment. But, nothing feels right anymore. I still desire, but do not hope, nor act, for there is nothing for me. Just a mind waiting to fall to the everlasting clock that is true divinity. My best friends are pity and depression, weighing down my motivation to achieve my believed potential.

The Chains of Freedom

            The world is so ambiguous. People live in different ways and find different meaning through different life experiences. I study psychology, which seems to attempt to identify people through generalizations. The tendencies of people given circumstances based on likeness in the subject at hand towards a similar subject from a past experiment. Yet, psychology, (nor anthropology) can necessarily predict what actions or thoughts may occur from an individual. They only cite tendencies and of humanity and similar character traits in that person to people deemed to be like them.

             Predictions are just guesses, we can make educated guesses, but cannot know what will happen. I've said that the unknown can be threatening. People fear what they do not know. But, people are also wary that they must move forward in their lives, as that is all they can do. the idea of freedom, being able to do as one pleases, almost seems like a fallacy. One does not have the freedom to change what has passed, nor look into how to change the future. Decisions are all made in a moment, in a time. They may come with detailed thought and caution, but it is something that happens within a given moment.

               People long to be free. Freedom is power, power to do as one pleases. Some people would use this freedom for greed, some for others, some for no reason at all. Whether selfishness, or selflessness or anything else, people long to be free. Some people think god has a plan, some believe that we are trapped by destiny, some believe we shape our own future. If there is a path set by god, we are all just characters of play, "all the world's a stage." If it is solely destiny, we are slaves to time, and what will become of us is impossible to change. If the last is true, that we can shape ourselves, perhaps there is some freedom, to live life in the manner we "choose."

              But do we choose our emotions, the actions of others that draw us into our own feelings, beliefs, and actions? Is there truly freedom? Is there truly power in a person to be in control of their own life? Perhaps the only freedom is to choose what one believes to be true.

Something In the Way

The feeling to be something has never been stronger. I find little motivation or direction. I don't know what I want to do. Anyone who reads this blog can see I enjoy writing about my feelings and am pretty sensitive. So I want to study psychology and become a therapist to help people with similar problems, or different ones. I am screwing up in school, my social life isn't great. I have good friends who help me get by and I'm thankful for. I often wonder though, if I have it in me to keep going. I get stressed over the wrong things, and don't stress about the right things. I'm always worried about what people are thinking about me, that I can't relax. I make this a problem, and it's not. Many people have this social anxiety, and some have it worse than me, but it's all in the mind. Even if people do talk badly about you, if your a good person it doesn't fucking matter. I used to be a better person. I used to care man, i used to give a shit. But, I just don't feel like I used to. I don't have this moral ambitiousness to help everyone. I've become self-centered and unfocused on the big picture. I'm uneducated on what's going on. I feel blind, i don't know what's happening in the world. Ignorance is only bliss when one isn't conscious that there is something else they should know about. I should be more in touch with people. I'm not looking for some big life meaning anymore, and I shouldn't be. But, I really am not doing much of anything. Sitting on my ass waiting for life to come to me. I'm trying to grow up, become more able to make decisions and take action. But, i don't know what action to take. I still have the hope I have in the world, deep down I know I do care about life, and people. But I've lost myself. I can't find what is important to me. I hope I find me, or at least something to help me get on the right path, or maybe just get by.

Some Thoughts For the Road

Uniqueness and Belonging are two things that everybody wants. Some sort of mix between the two. A sense of place, and personality. We don't want to be similar to anyone, so that we can live our own lives, but we fear loneliness and isolation. We need to feel connected to someone or something. It's odd how juxtaposition seems to be a large part of life. How much do we get set on one idea or belief, and fail to understand there is more to it then what we may know. Sometimes, when things are set in stone, we just want to keep it that way. Why challenge something that works. I've always wondered this about the society we live in. Society takes the blame for what seems like everything: obesity, mental illness, war, scandal, extortion, drugs addiction, rioting, whatever. But, what is society? Is it not all of us? I thought society was supposedly everyone. It's almost like the word society was implemented to put the blame on people, but those people. With the so called, "those" people not actually existing. These things are left instead to be our faults, as a community, as the society we are. As a society, we need to take responsibility, not get caught in individuality and blaming others or just not caring about them. It's my fault, your fault, all our faults. I haven't done anything to stop these problems, but then again the problem hasn't yet be completely identified. That's what Cohen Country is about, thinking. Maybe it doesn't all make sense, but hopefully it gets you to think about something or somethings you wouldn't have thought about before. Screw the Free World

Fuck the Ideal

Up and down. There is no in between. bullshit. There is an in-between, just nobody wants to hear about those moments because they're boring. I admit to it, I probably don't want to watch a movie where the character emotes very little feeling in anyway. But I'm not talking about movies, I'm talking about life. The world we live in, or at least believe we live in, but that's another matter. Psychology often teaches us about the ideal self. The quest for a person to be who they want to be. This is where things get fucked for me. I rarely take the chances to make myself happy. In my mind I'm a front-man for both The Kinks and Tottenham Hotspur. As well as a critically writer and philosopher. Now, I have time to do the things I want, but do I have character. Probably not. After all, I'm more of the hold all feelings of rage in guy. Let things bottle up. The sensitive, self-hating type. Sensitivity isn't bad, and the self-hate gives me self-awareness, but would it be better to be a happy asshole, or an unhappy panzie. (pansy?) I guess there is a way to be happy in this not aggressiveness. Somewhere in me, I believe this caring nature is a part of my personality, and to go against that would not be me. But matching the ideal self to ones real self is hard and sometimes scary. Always scary. I haven't done what I want. I'm not where I want to be. Not sure if I'm at the right college, can't escape my ex, can't pursue the new girl I'm interested in, can't sleep, can't exercise, can't work, can't be happy, can't maintain. Overwhelming stress, is harmful. I'm not in danger, I'm not gonna do anything drastic. But I'd like to be motivated. Find some sort of reward. This past summer there were times when I was where I wanted to be, possibly for the first time in my life, I was where I wanted to be. Now I'm not sure. Makes for some interesting writing. Well, at least its not in-between. Psychology and a person's mental health is important, but a lot of times, it gets over thought. There are different perspectives, different methodology, different ways to explore and experience life uniquely. I used to understand more about this, I used to find complacency in this. But, the greed of man, is the thirst for more. I too have become susceptible to this. Yet, it is this very thought that says I don't have to be subject to it. Anyway, life isn't necessarily about finding the ideal self, it's about being happy with your real self.

As  always, a quote from the great band, Andrew Jackson Jihad- " I have everything I want, except my set of expectations won't stay the same, goddamn, I really, really hate my brain." Or something like that

Searching

Like a knife in your chest
when there's nothing left,
I can't speak in reality,
caught out of actuality,
I am not where I am,
I am in an isolated land,
facing the worst truth,
I think about you,
it's not all that I do.

There are days when it feels good,
where I am where I should,
until I drift into the shadow
away from the good,
I hear the world is supposed to flow
there is a steady pattern to know,
but that's just not how it goes.

There is warmth
and there is cheer,
there is anything
and anyone you know here
but not for one.
There is nothing for singularity.
Stuck in self-pity,
only to be misunderstood.

Tried the right way
tried not to hide away
but that is not me,
there may be no singularity,
but in my life, there is my need,
whether it is more holy, or pure, is unsure,
but I am not a kid
not a man,
I do not know who I am.

Fuck Self Expectation, and that Pretentious Tom Hobbes

In honor of the resurrection of my personal sorrow, I have decided to resurrect this blog as well. Go figure, like there's some correlation between my writing and my emotions. Anyway, I have begun to think that perhaps one shouldn't go into things expecting happiness or satisfaction. Instead, always be able to prepare for the worst. If you expect the worst and get the worst, then at least you are not thrown on your ass by being blindsided by whatever shitty thing happened to you. If you expect the worst and get the best, then the only surprise is good. You don't have to be feel disappointment because the end result was the desired one. Yet, some people have a tendency to be optimistic. They assume that things are good. This is illogical. Not everything can be good, so mathematically speaking it would be impossible for only good results to happen and thus people cannot always expect the best. Although I also said to only expect the worst, which isn't very logical either. Not to mention lots of outcomes tend to be irrelevant from logic. They are based on randomness of life. So in the end, all this doesn't matter. Thus, expectation does not necessarily merit any kind of logical reasoning and only the after feeling should matter. This does support my original statement, but really it is all bullshit anyway. Just enjoy the times when things work out is the only real advice. So the entire rest of this paper is stupid, the writer(me)is stupid, and I'll go wallow in my sad depressing songs and feelings and whatever. People are going to think by whatever method they think. So stop searching for online or in someone Else's thoughts. Be yourself, get help from others if you need it, but just find satisfaction in something. Find something to be happy about, there is time for being sad. Sometimes it seems as though we may only be sad, but there is always something to be happy about. If you think it doesn't matter, that's bullshit. Meaning is subjective, if it matters to you it has meaning relative to you and thus has a purpose in life, and your meaning is validated by the new found meaning. The last 8 sentences were fucking off topic. This is so unorganized and unprofessional.