Thinking About College

Sometimes, when I'm by myself, I feel like I should be doing more. There is so much that I could be doing, and I feel like I'm not really experiencing all of what life is. I'm heading off to college soon, and I still feel like a little kid dreaming about what I'll do when I grow up. I'm ready to start college, but I'm not so sure I'm ready for what comes after that. I have four years to figure out a career, but I've always felt like I'm supposed to do something extraordinary. I feel like I have both the potential and responsibility to change the world in some extreme manner. I know everyone feels like they're special in their own way, but I feel like if I'm not out there doing something that is going to benefit the majority of all people, then I'm wasting my time. Many religions preach that life should be spent doing your best to honor God's wishes or giving yourself the best chance in the after life, or next life. But, as a cultural Jew, I don't personally believe in these views. I don't want to disrespect anyone who does because to each his own, but I have found that my own sense of fulfillment comes from helping the people and world around me. By making the world that I can see a better place, I can feel as though I've done something with my life, and actually see the results. But, how likely is it that I'll be the President of the United States, or an accredited philosopher, or an influential musician/artist. It's not very likely. In the next four years I hope to learn about what I can do to help people and change the globe. That's what college should really be for. Everyone she find what they want to do with their lives. There's plenty of time for fun while your there, and I intend to party a fair amount. (Starting in London where the drinking age is 18.) But, really I want to make sure I know what I'm going to be doing in four years when I graduate. It's nice to live in the present and just see where the world takes us. Sometimes that's the best way to appreciate the world around you. But, to really look out for yourself, sometimes you have to plan for the future. Or at least have some sort of idea. I don't know what your all looking for, but I hope it's worth it to you.

Same Old America

There is clearly a problem with the police in the United States. The problem in Ferguson is just the maxed out example of their brutality. Police should not be an army that have tear gas, and shoot on unarmed citizens. People should not be shot and killed for being in crowds. Since the start of the police department racial profiling has been a huge problem. According to Head-Roc the police were started by white communities to keep an eye on the black neighborhoods. Racial profiling just allows for police to attack black people for being black. Basically this means that being black is reasonable suspicion. I talked to a man today who lives in Olney, Maryland. Maryland is a state with great diversity and you expect the average person to be used to their neighbors being from all over. But, the man I talked to had lived in the U.S. for 21 years, and he had worked his whole life. He also, lived in London for 14 years, but is originally from Ghana. This man who has done nothing wrong was once stopped and told to get out of his Mercedes and was pushed face first towards his car with his arms sticking directly behind him. The police illegally searched his car, and did not tell him why they were doing anything until he had asked. They eventually said that his car was similar to one that had been reported to be stolen, but he should never have been detained unless they could confirm that it was the stolen car. Which it wasn't. Luckily, he was able to just go home. But Michael Brown will never go home again. The police are often under order from a higher officer. Or they sometimes make gut calls. But either way, it's clear that if unarmed people are being killed in our country, someone has to do something. It may be controversial to start the racial debate, but something has to be done.

The High School Journey

A few days ago my best friend left for college. It's odd to know your closest friend isn't around anymore. For most people this doesn't happen often. It's something that happens in life. For me, high school was a weird 4 year journey. At the beginning of freshman year I was scared. I didn't know what this place was going to be like. I was a scrawny 5 foot six kid who was too fearful of the upperclassman, and had become so overwhelmed by stories he had heard that he couldn't even talk to his own friends. The people I had grown up with had become strangers to me. I hung out with them for the first few months the best I could, but I had begun to drift away. I always felt bad about losing my closest friend from elementary and middle school; The friend whose house had practically been a second home for me. He had tried to talk to me, but for some reason I thought he didn't like me anymore. I guess I had a pretty shitty self-esteem as a new high school student. I often wonder if there is anyone who truly has a high self-esteem at that point though. Nonetheless, I realized if I was going to survive in high school, I was going to need some friends. Usually, at lunch time I would sit with a couple of kids I was comfortable with from middle school, and a few other kids who i'd gone to middle school with, but wasn't really friends with would come also. One day, the janitor got so pissed off, he made us change our seating area. at our school, the Juniors took the cafeteria because Seniors could go out for lunch, and as the next ones down on the food chain, the younger upperclassmen planted a strong foot to stay away. So, the freshman and sophomores were forced to roam the halls and look for a place to eat. Since we had been kicked out of our old spot, I ended up sitting with the kids I hadn't really been friends with at middle school. And we quickly became friends in high school. From 9th to 11th grade we would go to one of our three houses every Friday and just hangout, play some basketball or football, and just not worry about all the shit that happened at school that week. But, as time went on even that bond started to fade. One friend got in trouble and had to spend time in rehab instead of hanging out, the other got new friends, and I was left to find my own way again. And after a month or so of once again trying to find some sort of group, I was swayed into a relationship by the only girl who had ever taken interest with me. I had asked her out before and she said no. But, as we got closer, and her life became harder, she was happy to have me around and and actually started to show interest in me. And, so for a year, I was in a way too serious high school relationship, in which I was complacent for a year. But after that, she moved on like everyone else. The passive kid that i am watched it all implode as my young heart became crushed. Which lead me to graduation. I had a buddy of mine help me get through the break up, and I merged into his friend group. The first time since middle school that I actually had a large pack of friends. For the Summer between high school and the college, we all chilled. We partied when we could, made some memories. From beach week, to just getting drunk at one of our houses we made one last bond before we all moved on. And though some of us left already, and some are leaving before others, for the first time,it's not just other people moving on from me, but I finally feel as though I am actively moving on as well. Instead of being passively moved by other people, i am being force ably moved by life. There is no choice, there is nothing I can do, and there is nothing I want to do about it. I will be starting school abroad in London, studying from the University of Maryland. And one day, I'll move on from there too.

Short Poem

One day, I will find what I've been looking for,
I will no longer look for more,
I will feel complacency,
and there will be no remission,
I will only live radiantly,
no need to envision,
a paradox of my life,
there will be no wrong,
there will be no strife,
and I'll sing a song,
I will not suffer through each night,
I will just be alright.

Trying Not to Be the Heartless Bastard I Am

I think my blog's gotten too vague. I want to become more concrete and sincere on more connectable subjects. So I will try to write with more emotion than thought. Today I watched the movie Calvary. It was one of the darkest pictures I have personally ever seen. The level of maliciousness that characters in the movie had was interestingly easy to relate to. Each person seemed to be driven by some sort of personal experience that had dictated much of their life. Whether it was feeling alive by cheating on a husband, trying to kill one's self, an overall detachment from spirituality or emotion, or being raped everyday for five years as a child. Each person had some inner workings in their mentality. But, the main character and his daughter learned to forgive. It was an interesting change from the others who had been lost in their own lives. I got to thinking for myself. (of course.) What events of my life have developed my own thinking. Obviously my life wasn't quite as textbookly dark as the movie, but I had some things that had shaped me. As a recent high school graduate, I realized that most of my last  4 years have been spent thinking about other people. Whether it's trying to fit in at school, or just meet the new people around me. There were times when I lost people very close to me, and after each time I felt helplessly alone. It can be scary to feel alone, but change is continuous, and there are always people you can talk to if you just try. It can be hard though. But, you have to stop thinking about what's going on in their heads, and just put yourself out there. Not all the results will be good, but some will. I finally feel like I have friends that I can always talk to, and will be around for as long as I am. Relationships change, but they will always be my friends, no matter how we grow. But, the other thing on my mind, was this Summer before college. Not about college, but selfishly about me. After I realized I had spent the last four years thinking about what other people want, I feel like I have become too self-oriented. Maybe that's just part of finding yourself, is finding what you want out of life. But, I have felt less emotionally connected. One of the best traits I always thought I had was caring about other people. Now I feel as though I am losing that. I still care about my friends and want the best for them. But, I have trouble understanding their problems, and feel less able to give sympathy. It makes me sad, I want to help them, but I feel as though I am not capable of doing so. I think about it a lot and am conscious of it, but I still feel as though It just doesn't matter to me as much. My problem is that I want them to matter, because I do care. I know this sounds whiny, and pretentious, but I need to find a balance between thinking about me, and doing what I can to help others. Because at least for me, it is important to have people in your life who you care about. Now get off the internet and go outside for once, you crazy kids.

Is there a Reason Why?

 Why do we constantly look for excuses in our lives? Not necessarily excuses, but reasons. There must be a reason for something. If we are here as people, then there is a reason for us being here. How can we know that to be true? We don't. If there is a reason for us to be here, then we started, or were created for a purpose. But, we do not know where humanity began. There are billions of ideas, and some people may truly believe some of these ideas, but there is no proof behind any of them. So, if there is no way to understand our beginning, there is no reason to believe there is a set purpose for mankind. Perhaps, there is no true link between people, and all social interactions are just relative to each individuals experiences. Yet, to say there is no reason for mankind, is a very bleak and dull outlook to have. It may be more hopeful to say that each individuals experiences are there purpose, or perhaps each person's purpose is to find they're own understanding. But, to look a it from the other side, to say there is no proof of a beginning, does not mean much because there is also no disproof. We must have begun from somewhere. In which case, people must have a structured reason for existence. A part in an Eco-system that goes well beyond the universe. It's a conundrum man is left to wonder about. There will most likely never be any true method to finding the so called "purpose" that seems to be craved. Until there is a way to find it, then all we are left with is this subjective perspective on purpose. Where each person is responsible for fulfilling there own belief of why they or we are here. Maybe we are not as unique as we believe. Maybe we are all basic replications of one another. We share similar thoughts and emotions, why not reasons for life too? But, if we all had the same purpose, perhaps we would all be more inclined to support one another. This is an idealistic statement. The greatness of people is our ability to think individually and for ourselves. Unfortunately this is also our weakness. It allows for our faults as a group, as our thoughts may only help certain people or purposely hurt certain people. Whatever, the idea is, there is no escape from our flaws. Flaws help us to learn from one another. To find what we believe to be right. But, what is right may be subjective, because there is no way to identify what is right correctly. So we will never know if there is a purpose for our own morality, or for our very own existence.

Hello, Goodbye/ The Group of Sadness

A sad part of life, is learning to say goodbye. I've been told many times over the years that our culture teaches to engage in new things and learn how to say yes and hello. However, people rarely are taught how to deal with moving on and saying goodbye. It's something we learn on our own. We say goodbye when we move, lose people close to us, or even just grow into another part of our life. Times like graduating or changing jobs create a new feeling of leaving what you had. It may be difficult for some people to change. The type of people who like reflect on the good times, and perhaps cannot push themselves into new things as easily as others. For many years I was like that, I had trouble reaching out to people and felt alone. It's odd when you feel that type of anxious loneliness, you are conscious of all the people sharing that feeling with you, but you still feel uniquely distinct in your solitude. Almost as if you are part of this underground group of lonely people. But, it is a group with little support, and great sadness. As I have become better in social situations, I have become less aware of the people in the group of sadness. For these people it is hard to say goodbye. Hard, because they stay in their comfort zones, and when they lose that safety net, they become scared of the future. They dwell on the past because it's where they felt safe. Time goes fast, generations change, life is in constant forward motion. It's important to look at the past, but you cannot get lost in it. You must learn to say goodbye. It's something I'm learning how to do as I try to move on in my own life. The group of sadness must learn to do this as well. Try to embrace new things, you don't have to be everyone else, you just have to move on as yourself. Be able to be okay with how you are living life. If you aren't happy, then say goodbye to the feels, they won't help you. Look for new things you enjoy. Because for every time you say goodbye, it gives you a chance to say hello to something new. You don't have to say hello to anything, but just try to enjoy where you are. Perhaps my empathy has turned to sympathy, but I assure you, if you're stuck in the past, it will be hard to live the future.

It's All Relative

People are always looking for things to compare life to. "life's a journey." "Life's a game." Whatever it is, people need some relation to determine this big idea of life. But, the only real truth of life is being alive. There isn't necessarily this bigger meaning to it that seems to get. As though somehow life really means the entirety of existence. That's not what it means though, life is just what makes our reality. So, by creating some sort of relationship between "life" and something else, it makes you think you have a better understanding of life. Which should be true. The more life you live, the more you should understand life. Just like the more times you watch a basketball game, the more you know about basketball. Even though life may not be able to be defined as simply as these comparisons define it, life still shares certain qualities with the metaphors. So it's interesting, because people need to be able to break large ideas down to better comprehend how they work. And although we will never understand all of how life works, we can relate parts of life to what specific parts relate to.