Trying Not to Be the Heartless Bastard I Am

I think my blog's gotten too vague. I want to become more concrete and sincere on more connectable subjects. So I will try to write with more emotion than thought. Today I watched the movie Calvary. It was one of the darkest pictures I have personally ever seen. The level of maliciousness that characters in the movie had was interestingly easy to relate to. Each person seemed to be driven by some sort of personal experience that had dictated much of their life. Whether it was feeling alive by cheating on a husband, trying to kill one's self, an overall detachment from spirituality or emotion, or being raped everyday for five years as a child. Each person had some inner workings in their mentality. But, the main character and his daughter learned to forgive. It was an interesting change from the others who had been lost in their own lives. I got to thinking for myself. (of course.) What events of my life have developed my own thinking. Obviously my life wasn't quite as textbookly dark as the movie, but I had some things that had shaped me. As a recent high school graduate, I realized that most of my last  4 years have been spent thinking about other people. Whether it's trying to fit in at school, or just meet the new people around me. There were times when I lost people very close to me, and after each time I felt helplessly alone. It can be scary to feel alone, but change is continuous, and there are always people you can talk to if you just try. It can be hard though. But, you have to stop thinking about what's going on in their heads, and just put yourself out there. Not all the results will be good, but some will. I finally feel like I have friends that I can always talk to, and will be around for as long as I am. Relationships change, but they will always be my friends, no matter how we grow. But, the other thing on my mind, was this Summer before college. Not about college, but selfishly about me. After I realized I had spent the last four years thinking about what other people want, I feel like I have become too self-oriented. Maybe that's just part of finding yourself, is finding what you want out of life. But, I have felt less emotionally connected. One of the best traits I always thought I had was caring about other people. Now I feel as though I am losing that. I still care about my friends and want the best for them. But, I have trouble understanding their problems, and feel less able to give sympathy. It makes me sad, I want to help them, but I feel as though I am not capable of doing so. I think about it a lot and am conscious of it, but I still feel as though It just doesn't matter to me as much. My problem is that I want them to matter, because I do care. I know this sounds whiny, and pretentious, but I need to find a balance between thinking about me, and doing what I can to help others. Because at least for me, it is important to have people in your life who you care about. Now get off the internet and go outside for once, you crazy kids.