My Problem

My real problem is that I think too highly of myself. I think I'm supposed to be this great person. I feel like I'm supposed to be the next Socrates mixed with Martin Luther King and Jesus. Even this blog is coming to an end. Nobody wants to hear about my shitty problems. No one else should have to listen with my shitty problems. That's why there mine, right? My problem is that even though I think so highly of myself, in interactions with others, I try to be beneath people. I tell them everyone is equal in importance because that's true, but I don't think I believe it. I'm constantly contradicting whether I believe that people all have problems of equal importance, or if my problems are more important. It seems that in overall outlook of life, everyone's problems are equally unimportant to everyone else. However, my personal life and experiences are more important to me because it is my life. Because it is my life, I must be able to handle my problems, and allow myself to be content before I can help others. But, I don't do that. I don't know the last time I yelled at someone. The last time I really yelled at someone. I get mad often, but never physically. I need to release the anger before it builds up. I even told my ex not to worry about anything, and that it was okay what she did. Even though I don't think I'm over it. I constantly put people before me, even though I don't truly believe they should be there. I need to get my shit together. My problem is that I need to stick up for myself every goddam once in a while.

Maybe I'll Write A Song Someday

You wanna play with fire,
You talk about heaven and desire.
I'm here to put it to rest,
cuz each word is a shot to my chest.
I only have one request,
please just leave me aside,
I've got the voice of a dramatic ass,
and all I do is live in the past.
I want to fall in love for the first time,
but its already past,
I don't miss you,
I miss what you meant.
I want to start again, but I won't get the chance,
You say you want help, but I hate you,
but not as much..
not as much..
as I hate me

Just the way it is

In my anthropology class, it seems we are trying to understand people and the way they interact with one another. It's almost as though we are trying to predict the way that they will function based on the way they have acted in the past. This idea seems practical in the sense that it will teach us what types of interactions work and both how and why they have worked. But, I don't think we can always understand the reasoning behind something. The rationale people use is often irrational. There may not be a scientific reasoning behind it nor a spiritual reasoning. Things may be done by nature or by impulse. People can choose to believe that things happen innately or socially, but they cannot prove this. Even if the subject admits to doing one, there is no way to truthfully know that the subject is being sincere. They may have no reason to lie, but the very fact that we can't know if they are telling the truth prevents any conclusion from accepting their statement.

That Thing I wrote

Hey, I wrote this for school one time. It's about my family background. It's decent.

Believe it or not I have two parents. This means I have two stories of how I came to the “great” country of America. I’m ¾ Russian Jew, and the last fourth is my grandma who was born in Poland in an area that is most likely now Russia. On my Dad’s side I have my late grandpa, whose family came over from Russia to escape the communist persecution of Jews and there xenophobic culture. (Against the Jews specifically) This is a major push factor at the fact that they would have been literally pushed out of their homes. The fact that they could live freely in the US was a pull factor, and the economic opportunity was a pull as well. My grandpa was born in Brooklyn New York, where his family settled after moving. There he met my Grandma who was born in Poland in the 1920’s. My Grandma moved in the early 1930’s, with the Nazi party developing to the west, and Stalinist Russia lurking to the east, my grandma and many other Jews fled Europe to the democratic United States. Again, religious persecution was the push factor, and the opportunity to flourish and be free in America was a pull.

        My mother’s mother ‘s parents came from Russia as well; they too avoided the pogroms. My Great Grandpa, known to me as the late Papa Rudy, was just young enough to receive the mercy of another family who hid mine long enough for them to leave Russia. His father had a cousin who gave them work, (pull) in Youngstown, Ohio. When papa Rudy grew up he became a jeweler and moved to Cleveland to find a larger market, (pull). His daughter, my late grandma decided to attend The Ohio State University (The biggest pull there could be) where she met Richard Eli Neustadt my grandfather or Pappy. Pappy’s grandfather was, surprise, from Russia, and he too was pushed by the Pogroms and pulled too the States. He was given the last name Neustadt, which ironically in those times was German, meaning New City. His son developed a Jewish gazette after being pulled for work to the great Columbus, Ohio. There Pappy was born in 1929, and would also go to OSU where he would turn his families blood from just scarlet, to scarlet and grey. He was pulled back when his father died and had to drop out to take over the gazette. After already marrying my Grandmother and having four kids. My grandparents settled in a Jewish neighborhood Bexley, Ohio a suburb of Columbus. Bexley was, and still is, a large Jewish community, which again pulled in my family.  His second child, Carol, would attend Ohio State as well after transferring from American, she would stay in Columbus until she was 48, because she was pulled by family and the homie quality of the area.

         By then my Grandpa on my Dad’s side and my Grandma had had two kids. The older child, Barry, would be taken with them to Long Island. (My Aunt Bev also went with them, but I thought I’d introduce my dad to the story.)  Long Island was also a large safe haven for the Jewish people, and this again pulled my family. The high cost of Brooklyn with two kids must have been a push. My Grandpa Solomon, Sol, Cohen, came from the Ancient Hebrew Priests. Or I assume from the name Cohen, it is possible it was changed when his family moved to Russia. My dad however, went to a high school that sent many kids to a small liberal arts school in Oberlin, Ohio, known as Oberlin College. After graduating and completing law school, like many a Jew before him, he got a job in Columbus where surprise, surprise he met my mom.

Long story short, they had two kids, I think the first son is in Atlanta now, not very interesting, but the highly achieved and celebrated younger son, Jacob (Jake) Louis Cohen, would be the most important part of what came out of this story. However, it was not my choice to move to Potomac when I was 7, when my father lost his job a huge push was created, and when he was offered a job in DC for much more than he had made in Columbus, ( but they say not to talk about money) a pull factor had formed. And on December 31^st of this year it will have been the 11^th anniversary of the Cohen family moving to Maryland.  

                                                                                                               

       

Is it happiness?

There is a tendency of man to find complacency. A place where he is comfortable, and content. In this place whether it be physical or mental, there is no need for anything. This is what springs two methods of thinking of any observers of the complacent man. The first method is that the man has reached a spot in his life that he should work to keep. He no longer yearns for any other wants or desires. Perhaps things are not perfect, but they are overall good and he is happy. If it ain't broke don't fix it. There is nothing overwhelmingly wrong in his life, so he should find joy in the happiness he has been lucky enough to obtain.

On the other hand, an observer may tell the man he should not be satisfied solely with what he has. That he is wasting his life if he is truly content with staying where he is. Even if he is happy, he is not perfect. Although he may never be perfect, he can always improve. Innovation will lead him to even greater fulfillment. Even, if he does not obtain what he wanted, at least he will have tried. There was an attempt to find meaning.

Sure there are other ways the man could look at things. He could try to spread his happiness, bring others in less fortunate stages to the paradise he is in. Or he could mix the previous two, look for change, but don't do anything that could harm the place he is in. Make sure there is a safety net.

But to me, the first two methods provide the most interesting debate. The thought that being content in your own belief may or not may be correct. Some may say it is greedy to look for more than happiness, others may say it's selfish not to reach one's happiness. Is it enough for a person to be happy? What more could someone want from life. If they have obtained a place that makes them happy and will continuously do so, why push for more. It may be an idealistic scenario, this place may not be possible at all. But, if it were, would any member of humanity be willing to just accept everything as is. Even if outwardly they say they are content, would anyone truly be okay with living the same way for so long? But, that same way makes them happy, perhaps there wouldn't be a reason to want more.

Whatever You Like

I'm sorry, admittedly I have been too busy to write anything new lately. So this old thing I wrote will have to please whoever it is that reads this blog. But, if you are reading this I appreciate your time and hope you enjoy. Tell your friends, or don't. I'll never know. Anyway

Why do I constantly look for answers? Are there truly any questions? I find myself always looking for a sufficient truth about the world. As though there is a key to life. As though I need something to look for. Something that is always true. Maybe there are multiple keys I am looking for. First is that undeniable truth, either a philosophy or idea to live my life on. And then a feeling to coincide with that philosophy, so that I can keep my conscience clean and truly enjoy my life. However, how can there be an undeniable truth, something that will always be true. Take for example something so simple as your skin. I’ll use my own skin. I am classified as “white” which is truly pale, in the light. If you look at me in the dark I do not look white or pale. My color has not changed, but there is a different perception. You may say my true color is the pale, we just can’t see it in the light. However, who’s to say this darker gray isn’t my true color. In fact the lighter version only comes from radiation from the sun or electricity. It is syndicated. My natural state is dark. But there is not one shade, different amounts of light exposure will vary my skin tone. But, there is not one skin color that is true to me. So goes this answer to life. There is not one true philosophy. There is no almighty truth that will lead me to happiness. There is variation. Every single aspect of everything has a different possible outcome. Of course once something has happened, it cannot be undone. The real key is that there is no one key, to understand perception is different for everyone and everything. You can’t blind yourself to one truth, by only allowing yourself one path; you deny the opportunity to all the others. This means you have found a truth that is false. Then again, if it’s the path you’ve chosen, isn’t it the truth?

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Where Does it Lead?

I once could see people. There was a time when I could read the look on someone's face and truly feel as though I understand them. I used to be so concerned with what other people thought, that I couldn't sleep at night out of anxiety that I was too inferior to be in the presence of everyone else. I wanted everyone else to feel happy. I wanted everything to work out for others. I was unhappy, but I was able to think for other people. I felt as though all the pain I felt, was to help someone else. This was a terrible, terrible lie. Not in the way I would have thought. I would have figured that I should be able to find my own happiness, while still being able to help other people. By not caring what other people thought about me, I could actually be myself and enjoy the decisions I make. However, this has not been the case. After being in a situation where I had mostly cared only about someone Else's feelings and making sure they were happy, I was left to find my own happiness. During that particular time, I did not care what everyone else wanted, but just this one person. However, there was a time when this had to end. But, I still found myself not caring about what everyone else thought. For the first time in my life, I only had myself to care about. This put me in an uncomfortable situation. I am finding what it is I really want, so until then, I could not truly embrace finding my own happiness. Instead, I would like to find the feelings where I could understand, and then help the people around me.
             I have become lost, I am isolated in my own feeling. Too insecure to do what will make me happy, and too dependent on other people's happiness to find it for myself. There is no middle ground, there is only pain I find. Whether, it was being lost in the sacrifice of others, or in the self-oriented whirlpool that had caught my emotions and blocked out my ability to feel sympathy or empathy. Maybe, if I find what I want, I can lose this misery. But, how can I know what I want, there is so much and life, and it is so hard to find fulfillment. So, I will forever be lost in contemplation, of why? Why must I feel like this? I could think of how to stop it. But, I have lost the ability to help anyone, even me. I don't know if I ever knew how to help me.

Philosphical Necessity

It's been a while since I posted anything that had any deeper meaning to it. I'm going to try to regain my intellectuality and perception. Amongst the hollow minds that fill the halls of society, there are many who retain great amounts of wisdom and true knowledge. These are the people who allow themselves the ability to go beyond their own perceptions, and see multiple viewpoints in all that is around them. There is no singularity to any of their thinking. Subjectivity is nonexistent. They understand the very essence of why we are human, and what must be done because we are human. They make logical decisions based on intelligent convention on what method will allow the most productive way of life in the future. They also attempt to understand the causes of the problems that plague the known world. They come up with mathematically precise answers to help provide the best answer to these problems. However, these people exist in rarity. They can seldom be found, yet they exist in all people. There is potential for all people to be these intelligent ideal examples of humanity. But, they also are pierced with the natural tendencies of morality and emotion that deny them their potential. We could all use all our time to provide for the greater good of humanity, but we are preoccupied with finding happiness. This is the plague of man. But, it is also why man can exist. We are the only known intelligent life forms in the human world. Therefore, we can understand the necessity of joy in allowing us to function at any capacity.

Enough is Enough

I can't think of anything to say anymore man. I don't know what to make of the world anymore. I've lost my philosophies, my personal perspectives, and have found only confusion. What tends to sound the best is what is real in life.  Things that have truly happened, stories that can be related to, what if I have nothing but fables, a series of untold lies and bullshit based on nothing but the pathos of the the human psyche. Nothing but the cynical method of thinking that I have. It's not really that interesting, nothing in life is really that interesting. I've tried writing about happy thoughts, but I guess unicorns, ponies, and pretty fucking flowers aren't my thing. I have been running from sadness my whole life. Yet, I find some sort of fucked up solace in it. As though by being able to acknowledge negativity, I feel smarter. That might be the biggest bullshit in the world, but in some way I find it true. As though I can allow myself to understand other people in their weak moments, because I know what it's like to feel like shit. That sounds corny, fuck that. I am closer to people because we both know what it's like to have shitty lives. That sounds better. But, still, from a more intelligent view I think my sadness connects me to people. It's like I'm Jesus, only I'm not lying about my fake prophecy and I don't have schizophrenia, yet. I don't know, nobody reads this shit anyway. Life exists because death is too fucking boring. Nothing is really that important to get mad over. Yet, we're all bound to get pissed off at some point. So we should just learn to deal with it. If you can't, I can't either, but I guess it makes sense to just keep all my emotions bottled up until death. That's how to win. All see you all in hell, but I'll be watching from heaven, with Satan.

Turn Something into Nothing

Often I find myself in a feeling of discontent. Whether it be anxiety, depression, sadness, or whatever other emotional distress restricts me from personal happiness. I used to have overwhelming thoughts followed by even more thought. Whether it was over feeling lonely, broken, or worthless. One thought would storm in after another, like a never ending tornado throwing my emotions in all sorts of directions. I used to try to kill this natural disaster with even more thought. I would try to figure out some sort of importance in life. I would search for some philosophical meaning to life, which would in turn make feel like I understand life, and thus make me feel as though I had some self-worth through this knowledge. By productively figuring life out I felt as though I was achieving something. However, I am still at a point in my life where I am constantly learning new things and finding different perspectives. I have come to the belief (at the moment) that it is not just that man is afraid of the unknown, but that no matter what we are always going to live in the unknown. Not just that man fears what he cannot understand, or that we come to improper conclusions because we are afraid to accept the possibility of nothingness, but that we also need to have something in our lives. Although we may live a universe with vast nothingness, we as people believe ourselves to be something. It provides us with worth, which then gives us the determination to strive and turn the nothing around us into something. By making it something we are making it known, and we do not have to be staring into a darkness that holds many mysteries.

Yet, no matter how many discoveries or realizations we come to, there will always be unknowns. The universe is ever expanding, there is no end to what lies in humanities potential. But, just as we strive to turn nothing into something, we must also accept that there will always be things we cannot understand. A new part of my philosophy towards mental or emotional discontent is to clear the mind. I used to observe the world around me and make grand discoveries about it, but I would not ever be able to make a grand conclusion on any of life's vague subjects. By looking up into space, I realized how little human society plays in the universal structure of life. By allowing myself to accept that we cannot know everything about existence, I was able to feel more comfortable with my own personal philosophy. I may still have emotional discontent, but it is no longer a problem of self-worth. Because worth is a completely made up idea, and we will never truly understand how it was brought about in human culture. But it has made an influence in our society. Life is filled with mysteries, you can do your best to find out where they come from and what they mean, but if you try to find everything you will miss the fact that nothingness allows us to have something. By not knowing things, we allow ourselves room to understand more. We cannot find more if there is nothing left to find.

Emotional Ramblings

I've been told happiness is a choice. That if I just think positively, be confident and not care what anyone thinks, then I'll have a good time and everything will work out. Somehow, I feel like this is not true. Sadness in a natural human emotion. Every single person has problems. Happiness is just as well a natural emotion. Everyone experiences both of these emotions. To say either is a choice seems odd to me. Maybe I'm just a pessimist who sees the worst of every situation. Perhaps, I'm just not making the right choices. But, I have gone in with a positive attitude for various events in my life, and I often still fell as though I am leaving myself out of the human experience. I am choosing to be more proactive, and finding more things to do, but yet I still feel left out of life sometimes. As though there is something I am missing. People have told me it's counterproductive to write about negative tendencies and that positivity should be the key idea to give to the reader. So I will try, I will tell you that happiness sure feels a lot better than sadness. And the more you can be happy, the more fun you will have in life. But, you don't have to be happy. Sometimes, sadness is necessary to be happy later on in life. The good times feel better if they mean something. But, if there is a moment where you are distressed, and just need to let out some emotion, then you're only being human. All the best.

A Life In London

It's day one of being in London. I am with nine other freshman from the University of Maryland. It's an awkward stage, but one that seems to be a part of everyday life. We've spent the day wandering around the city. Everyone is exhausted. But the city holds plenty of opportunity. I started this post a week ago, so now a week has passed. Deal with it. It's odd being in a new country. When the plane lands, it doesn't really cross your mind. Even a week in, it doesn't seem to be that different. It's like any city, the people do their best to look unfriendly, but if you're nice to them, they are nice to you. Last night I left a club around 12:30 and wondered around for 2 hours trying to get home. Although all the directions I got were terrible and ended up having to take a taxi, everyone was very nice to me. Although I wouldn't recommend exploring that way. London is a busy city though. Cars wait for no pedestrian. There are always people out and about. And everything seems ridiculously expensive. It's hard for a college kid on a budget, but at least we can drink. The pubs are fantastic, you walk in, maybe get carded, and buy a beer anyway. Clubs are amazing too, but it's important to go in groups, and they might be expensive. It's not easy learning a new place, in a new country, but it is fun. Imagine having the feeling of knowing a city of 8.5 million people is at your fingertips. There is always more to see. Kind of like life. You can always do more in life. Which leads me to a nice quote by Samuel Johnson, "Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford." Maybe you can want to see more about the world, and get away from London, but it's always a part of life. No matter where you are, there s a way to be happy. You just have to find it. London is where the rest of my life starts. There is no turning back, there is no springing forward. I am in the moment, and it never stops. Just like London. So, I will learn to move on into life, just as I will learn to move into London.

MY Own Worst Enemy

In this world it is sometimes hard to understand yourself. There is so much life holds, how could you possibly know what it is you want from life? I envy the people who can be themselves. The ones who are not afraid to act as themselves in any given situation. The people who hold their own standards no matter what social interaction they are having. I often define myself in 2 ways. I see the person inside my own head, and the person that everyone else sees and defines as me. The ability to understand who you are, and be able to feel comfortable without any kind of internal distress. This may be an impossible idealistic thought, but I still find people who overcome this fear and find a way to create a world that they control. A world where they know they did everything possible to live in a way that they can be at peace with. A feeling of self-fulfillment. Those people don't know what it's like to have a second life. But, I do. When I am around other people I often feel as though my actions are controlled by them. I cannot just do whatever seems right, because I am concerned with that view they have of me. Even if it is not a great reputation, it is still better than the possibility they may actually hate me. The very thought that I may be isolated by the people around me keeps me in constant fear. Even at this moment sitting in a room with mostly people I consider to be my friends, I sit in silence, typing about my emotional distress. How wasteful and pretentious. I have the ability to make connections that will last for years, or at least be polite enough to not sit on my laptop complaining about how unfortunate it is that sometimes I feel sad. As if I think other people don't have problems. They probably have worse problems then me. That is the second world I live in. A world where I am forever trapped by the uncontrollable prison that is my mind. I am my worst enemy, I am what combats my own happiness. Imagine, that, imagine a world where everything has worked out for you, but you cannot be happy because you don;t like yourself. Why don't I like me? Who knows? I may never like me. I could at least tolerate me. So many things in the world, and I am trapped in my own self-indulgent civil war. How selfish. Maybe depression is what I deserve, if I can't be happy with myself, how can I be happy with anything else? I certainly don't deserve it.

Dolla Dolla Bill Y’all

In today’s society, philosophy is often either overused, or underappreciated. All the fashionable businesses seem to have some phony motto that drives their entity to be progressive and up incoming. Whether or not this motto is followed is completely unique to the individual business. In terms, of people as individuals, many hold philosophies that are beneficial to their respective selves or to our society. In some cases, where philosophy is not used, people seem to think, “I don’t care” is an acceptable life approach to everything. I’m not a lawyer or powerful businessman, so I’m not ready to take on the powerful corporations and point out each weakness that seems to be associated with each individual company. Oh well, fuck it, companies like Apple, Google, and Amazon all look to be innovators in the field of globalization and modernizing the world. However, each is really focused on money. I like Google; I use apple products, and amazon too. But, as companies, they can only exist as long as they make enough profit and can manage their services and products. But, the companies are not the problem.

I see a lot of college kids these days. Most want to go into engineering, business, marketing, or whatever will allow them to find a profit in everyday life. Now that these kids are becoming economically independent, they have no choice but to find a career path that is fiscally sustaining.  But, is it really more important for people to be maintaining the corporate ladder, then feeding the millions of starving people on six continents?

Now, this may be a small percentage that is mostly in the new generation, but the western population seems to be leading towards a simplistic lifestyle that involves, (in their terms’) giving zero shits about anything that may not pertain to they’re “extremely” important lives. As though the youth have become an arrogant hierarchy bent on being as unproductive as possible. I hear lots of people now a day who don’t really care about anything that’s going on in the world, the country, town, school, their lives, or anything else. Only social media seems to be the only important thing to them seems to achieve a life absence of any true meaning.

So, what do I think? I think it’s society that’s fucked up. The problem isn’t necessarily that we are only interested in money, or that businesses seem to control the way people think. And, if that’s why people don’t care about anything, because their choices are to not care, or live in a society where you must be productive by being a economically important person. You don’t have to be rich; you just have to serve some service in the GDP. After all, somebody has to clean the corporate bathrooms.

The very idea of money is one of greed, the idea that each object in the natural world can be given a price that determines its worth to society.  Nobody can own land, land is a natural facet of life that can be changed by man, but is still in no true ownership to the universe. The ownership is all through society. The realistic idea is that people need to understand what the world has, and what they can take from it. Of course there is sharing and not everything is so systematic, but people seem to think they can own the world as a society. Maybe some individually, but it’s society that drives the human mind. Society is a natural part of human culture. The mentality to fit in with the people around you allows man to function civilly. However, as long as society is concerned with money and possession, there will be no true production in what the world needs.

But what the fuck do I know? I’m just some kid who thinks he knows life. I’m writing this and even I think it sounds fucking pretentious. God, I’m douchey. I don’t even really offer any proper solution, they say knowing the problem is half the battle, but that’s some corny horseshit. Hopefully, this means something, I honestly do believe there is a problem with society, but I think it can be bettered. A world that is beyond socialism. (Not Fucking communism.) But a world where people are not so overly concerned with having more than one another, and just being able to live in a utopian society where everyone is happy. Just kidding, utopias are not realistic and often lead to cults. But, there must be some less selfish way for humans to interact. Maybe someone who is actually smart will figure it out one day.

More Teenage Philosophy

Why do I constantly look for answers? Are there truly any questions? I find myself always looking for a sufficient truth about the world. As though there is a key to life. As though I need something to look for. Something that is always true. Maybe there are multiple keys I am looking for. First is that undeniable truth, either a philosophy or idea to live my life on. And then a feeling to coincide with that philosophy, so that I can keep my conscience clean and truly enjoy my life. However, how can there be an undeniable truth, something that will always be true. Take for example something so simple as your skin. I’ll use my own skin. I am classified as “white” which is truly pale, in the light. If you look at me in the dark I do not look white or pale. My color has not changed, but there is a different perception. You may say my true color is the pale, we just can’t see it in the light. However, who’s to say this darker gray isn’t my true color. In fact the lighter version only comes from radiation from the sun or electricity. It is syndicated. My natural state is dark. But there is not one shade, different amounts of light exposure will vary my skin tone. But, there is not one skin color that is true to me. So goes this answer to life. There is not one true philosophy. There is no almighty truth that will lead me to happiness. There is variation. Every single aspect of everything has a different possible outcome. Of course once something has happened, it cannot be undone. The real key is that there is no one key, to understand perception is different for everyone and everything. You can’t blind yourself to one truth, by only allowing yourself one path; you deny the opportunity to all the others. This means you have found a truth that is false. Then again, if it’s the path you’ve chosen, isn’t it the truth?

Justice for all... But Mostly Me

Another thing I've already written. Too lazy to make anything tonight.

One observation I’ve made about people is how egocentric most of us are. This is a broad generalization, and there are certainly people in the world more concerned with other =s than themselves, but think about it; when was the last time you were really interested in a conversation with a new person, when that person just kept taking about himself?

            I myself can be very self-absorbed at times. I was recently accepted into Boston University and the University of Maryland. Having lived in the old-line state for 11 years, I want to get away, and had had put BU as my number one choice. The part that makes me selfish is the $38,000 year BU costs compared to in-state at College Park.

            I know many of us are facing college costs, but that’s not the point here. The point is to show that we often put our wants and opinions above others, and what is realistic.

            Think about how many times a day we put ourselves ahead of others. It can be over simple things like who gets the last pizza roll, at what restaurant you choose to eat, or what to watch on TV.  It can be something a little more serious though, such as, cutting off another car that’s driving too slow, or ignoring someone because you were upset about something he or she said.

            They’re many forces that can reflect the reason the other person was acting this way. Maybe they hadn’t eaten all day and needed that last pizza roll or had been craving a certain restaurant. Maybe he missed a relative he hadn’t seen in a while and they used to watch a certain TV show together. Maybe the person driving slowly was driving their newborn baby home for the first time, and maybe your friend was upset about something you said and that’s why she said what she did.

            The truth is people think about themselves, because it’s who we are. It is impossible not to think about ourselves. We are not the center of the universe, but we are the center of our won lives. We want to things in our life to be justified, because we want to be happy. However, this is not an excuse to forget the people who are around us.

Unexplained Struggles

There is pain in my stomach, and bump in my throat. I feel the tingling of Two-headed boy. My mind is racing, desperately trying to avoid my worst memories and my deepest sensitivities and emotional distresses. I have often come to this place. Where I have lost my confidence, the boldness of my voice evaporated in the silent confines of my one-dimensional thoughts. I can't concentrate on one thing. Writing, music, facebook, random thoughts, bad thoughts, paranoia, unreasonable paranoia, stopping just short at disillusioned paranoia. That little pain still jabs my gut. Tearing at it, as if to force the memories in. Face your fears, don't let the thoughts control you. Think it's all just in your head. Everyone feels like this, I'm not crazy. There is fear in my eyes, tears in my heart. I am sometimes trapped in my past, trapped it what cannot be changed. The song chances, I realize time forces change. It's hard to think I'll be gone it 3 days. What about 3 months? 9 months? 4 years? I don't know, how could I. The pain dies down a little bit, I think I can relax. I get this weird feeling, or maybe I'm just reminded of an old thought. Not sure. But, I finally understand, this is me. Even if everyone can't tolerate me. I am not given such a choice. I am distracted by a facebook message. I forget the grand conclusion I was coming to. Spoiled again by corporate media. Something passes through my chest, I gather nerve to tell myself to sleep. I forget the other trouble.

Growing Away From Home

I'm tired, this will be short. I took a trip back to the place that birthed me this past weekend. I went to lovely Columbus, Ohio. I haven't lived there in almost 12 years. Yet, it's always felt like home. I was seven years old when I left, but I've always had family there, and I was raised a die hard buckeye fan. But, after going back one more time, a week before I start college in London, through the University of Maryland, it seems my childhood memories of Columbus are moving on. I never considered Potomac, Maryland to be where I was from. But it's where I've spent 2/3s of my life. The arrogant fog that fills the lungs and minds of each individual who lives here. Including me. After visiting Columbus I realize I know very little of the life of an Ohioan. I will always enjoy going there, and I may go back someday, but for now I realize my true childhood is over. After watching every possible OSU football game, I could, I went back this week to see the Bucks lose a mediocre Virginia Tech team. They got beat, and looked worse then my 1 win high school team back in Potomac. Maybe, not that bad, but it seemed to be the end of an era. It probably won't take Ohio State long to become a good team again, but I may not be able to follow them the way I used to. There is no longer a child in my body, but a young man, who wants to contribute to society. So I guess the point I'm trying to make, is that I used Ohio as an illusion of all that is right. And as long as I could I wanted to be a Buckeye. But, I've grown up, and realized that's not really what I know. I'll always appreciate OSU and Ohio, but it's not my hometown. I have to make a realization of what my life really is. This may be the worst post I've ever written. Goodnight.

Thinking About College

Sometimes, when I'm by myself, I feel like I should be doing more. There is so much that I could be doing, and I feel like I'm not really experiencing all of what life is. I'm heading off to college soon, and I still feel like a little kid dreaming about what I'll do when I grow up. I'm ready to start college, but I'm not so sure I'm ready for what comes after that. I have four years to figure out a career, but I've always felt like I'm supposed to do something extraordinary. I feel like I have both the potential and responsibility to change the world in some extreme manner. I know everyone feels like they're special in their own way, but I feel like if I'm not out there doing something that is going to benefit the majority of all people, then I'm wasting my time. Many religions preach that life should be spent doing your best to honor God's wishes or giving yourself the best chance in the after life, or next life. But, as a cultural Jew, I don't personally believe in these views. I don't want to disrespect anyone who does because to each his own, but I have found that my own sense of fulfillment comes from helping the people and world around me. By making the world that I can see a better place, I can feel as though I've done something with my life, and actually see the results. But, how likely is it that I'll be the President of the United States, or an accredited philosopher, or an influential musician/artist. It's not very likely. In the next four years I hope to learn about what I can do to help people and change the globe. That's what college should really be for. Everyone she find what they want to do with their lives. There's plenty of time for fun while your there, and I intend to party a fair amount. (Starting in London where the drinking age is 18.) But, really I want to make sure I know what I'm going to be doing in four years when I graduate. It's nice to live in the present and just see where the world takes us. Sometimes that's the best way to appreciate the world around you. But, to really look out for yourself, sometimes you have to plan for the future. Or at least have some sort of idea. I don't know what your all looking for, but I hope it's worth it to you.

Same Old America

There is clearly a problem with the police in the United States. The problem in Ferguson is just the maxed out example of their brutality. Police should not be an army that have tear gas, and shoot on unarmed citizens. People should not be shot and killed for being in crowds. Since the start of the police department racial profiling has been a huge problem. According to Head-Roc the police were started by white communities to keep an eye on the black neighborhoods. Racial profiling just allows for police to attack black people for being black. Basically this means that being black is reasonable suspicion. I talked to a man today who lives in Olney, Maryland. Maryland is a state with great diversity and you expect the average person to be used to their neighbors being from all over. But, the man I talked to had lived in the U.S. for 21 years, and he had worked his whole life. He also, lived in London for 14 years, but is originally from Ghana. This man who has done nothing wrong was once stopped and told to get out of his Mercedes and was pushed face first towards his car with his arms sticking directly behind him. The police illegally searched his car, and did not tell him why they were doing anything until he had asked. They eventually said that his car was similar to one that had been reported to be stolen, but he should never have been detained unless they could confirm that it was the stolen car. Which it wasn't. Luckily, he was able to just go home. But Michael Brown will never go home again. The police are often under order from a higher officer. Or they sometimes make gut calls. But either way, it's clear that if unarmed people are being killed in our country, someone has to do something. It may be controversial to start the racial debate, but something has to be done.

The High School Journey

A few days ago my best friend left for college. It's odd to know your closest friend isn't around anymore. For most people this doesn't happen often. It's something that happens in life. For me, high school was a weird 4 year journey. At the beginning of freshman year I was scared. I didn't know what this place was going to be like. I was a scrawny 5 foot six kid who was too fearful of the upperclassman, and had become so overwhelmed by stories he had heard that he couldn't even talk to his own friends. The people I had grown up with had become strangers to me. I hung out with them for the first few months the best I could, but I had begun to drift away. I always felt bad about losing my closest friend from elementary and middle school; The friend whose house had practically been a second home for me. He had tried to talk to me, but for some reason I thought he didn't like me anymore. I guess I had a pretty shitty self-esteem as a new high school student. I often wonder if there is anyone who truly has a high self-esteem at that point though. Nonetheless, I realized if I was going to survive in high school, I was going to need some friends. Usually, at lunch time I would sit with a couple of kids I was comfortable with from middle school, and a few other kids who i'd gone to middle school with, but wasn't really friends with would come also. One day, the janitor got so pissed off, he made us change our seating area. at our school, the Juniors took the cafeteria because Seniors could go out for lunch, and as the next ones down on the food chain, the younger upperclassmen planted a strong foot to stay away. So, the freshman and sophomores were forced to roam the halls and look for a place to eat. Since we had been kicked out of our old spot, I ended up sitting with the kids I hadn't really been friends with at middle school. And we quickly became friends in high school. From 9th to 11th grade we would go to one of our three houses every Friday and just hangout, play some basketball or football, and just not worry about all the shit that happened at school that week. But, as time went on even that bond started to fade. One friend got in trouble and had to spend time in rehab instead of hanging out, the other got new friends, and I was left to find my own way again. And after a month or so of once again trying to find some sort of group, I was swayed into a relationship by the only girl who had ever taken interest with me. I had asked her out before and she said no. But, as we got closer, and her life became harder, she was happy to have me around and and actually started to show interest in me. And, so for a year, I was in a way too serious high school relationship, in which I was complacent for a year. But after that, she moved on like everyone else. The passive kid that i am watched it all implode as my young heart became crushed. Which lead me to graduation. I had a buddy of mine help me get through the break up, and I merged into his friend group. The first time since middle school that I actually had a large pack of friends. For the Summer between high school and the college, we all chilled. We partied when we could, made some memories. From beach week, to just getting drunk at one of our houses we made one last bond before we all moved on. And though some of us left already, and some are leaving before others, for the first time,it's not just other people moving on from me, but I finally feel as though I am actively moving on as well. Instead of being passively moved by other people, i am being force ably moved by life. There is no choice, there is nothing I can do, and there is nothing I want to do about it. I will be starting school abroad in London, studying from the University of Maryland. And one day, I'll move on from there too.

Short Poem

One day, I will find what I've been looking for,
I will no longer look for more,
I will feel complacency,
and there will be no remission,
I will only live radiantly,
no need to envision,
a paradox of my life,
there will be no wrong,
there will be no strife,
and I'll sing a song,
I will not suffer through each night,
I will just be alright.

Trying Not to Be the Heartless Bastard I Am

I think my blog's gotten too vague. I want to become more concrete and sincere on more connectable subjects. So I will try to write with more emotion than thought. Today I watched the movie Calvary. It was one of the darkest pictures I have personally ever seen. The level of maliciousness that characters in the movie had was interestingly easy to relate to. Each person seemed to be driven by some sort of personal experience that had dictated much of their life. Whether it was feeling alive by cheating on a husband, trying to kill one's self, an overall detachment from spirituality or emotion, or being raped everyday for five years as a child. Each person had some inner workings in their mentality. But, the main character and his daughter learned to forgive. It was an interesting change from the others who had been lost in their own lives. I got to thinking for myself. (of course.) What events of my life have developed my own thinking. Obviously my life wasn't quite as textbookly dark as the movie, but I had some things that had shaped me. As a recent high school graduate, I realized that most of my last  4 years have been spent thinking about other people. Whether it's trying to fit in at school, or just meet the new people around me. There were times when I lost people very close to me, and after each time I felt helplessly alone. It can be scary to feel alone, but change is continuous, and there are always people you can talk to if you just try. It can be hard though. But, you have to stop thinking about what's going on in their heads, and just put yourself out there. Not all the results will be good, but some will. I finally feel like I have friends that I can always talk to, and will be around for as long as I am. Relationships change, but they will always be my friends, no matter how we grow. But, the other thing on my mind, was this Summer before college. Not about college, but selfishly about me. After I realized I had spent the last four years thinking about what other people want, I feel like I have become too self-oriented. Maybe that's just part of finding yourself, is finding what you want out of life. But, I have felt less emotionally connected. One of the best traits I always thought I had was caring about other people. Now I feel as though I am losing that. I still care about my friends and want the best for them. But, I have trouble understanding their problems, and feel less able to give sympathy. It makes me sad, I want to help them, but I feel as though I am not capable of doing so. I think about it a lot and am conscious of it, but I still feel as though It just doesn't matter to me as much. My problem is that I want them to matter, because I do care. I know this sounds whiny, and pretentious, but I need to find a balance between thinking about me, and doing what I can to help others. Because at least for me, it is important to have people in your life who you care about. Now get off the internet and go outside for once, you crazy kids.

Is there a Reason Why?

 Why do we constantly look for excuses in our lives? Not necessarily excuses, but reasons. There must be a reason for something. If we are here as people, then there is a reason for us being here. How can we know that to be true? We don't. If there is a reason for us to be here, then we started, or were created for a purpose. But, we do not know where humanity began. There are billions of ideas, and some people may truly believe some of these ideas, but there is no proof behind any of them. So, if there is no way to understand our beginning, there is no reason to believe there is a set purpose for mankind. Perhaps, there is no true link between people, and all social interactions are just relative to each individuals experiences. Yet, to say there is no reason for mankind, is a very bleak and dull outlook to have. It may be more hopeful to say that each individuals experiences are there purpose, or perhaps each person's purpose is to find they're own understanding. But, to look a it from the other side, to say there is no proof of a beginning, does not mean much because there is also no disproof. We must have begun from somewhere. In which case, people must have a structured reason for existence. A part in an Eco-system that goes well beyond the universe. It's a conundrum man is left to wonder about. There will most likely never be any true method to finding the so called "purpose" that seems to be craved. Until there is a way to find it, then all we are left with is this subjective perspective on purpose. Where each person is responsible for fulfilling there own belief of why they or we are here. Maybe we are not as unique as we believe. Maybe we are all basic replications of one another. We share similar thoughts and emotions, why not reasons for life too? But, if we all had the same purpose, perhaps we would all be more inclined to support one another. This is an idealistic statement. The greatness of people is our ability to think individually and for ourselves. Unfortunately this is also our weakness. It allows for our faults as a group, as our thoughts may only help certain people or purposely hurt certain people. Whatever, the idea is, there is no escape from our flaws. Flaws help us to learn from one another. To find what we believe to be right. But, what is right may be subjective, because there is no way to identify what is right correctly. So we will never know if there is a purpose for our own morality, or for our very own existence.

Hello, Goodbye/ The Group of Sadness

A sad part of life, is learning to say goodbye. I've been told many times over the years that our culture teaches to engage in new things and learn how to say yes and hello. However, people rarely are taught how to deal with moving on and saying goodbye. It's something we learn on our own. We say goodbye when we move, lose people close to us, or even just grow into another part of our life. Times like graduating or changing jobs create a new feeling of leaving what you had. It may be difficult for some people to change. The type of people who like reflect on the good times, and perhaps cannot push themselves into new things as easily as others. For many years I was like that, I had trouble reaching out to people and felt alone. It's odd when you feel that type of anxious loneliness, you are conscious of all the people sharing that feeling with you, but you still feel uniquely distinct in your solitude. Almost as if you are part of this underground group of lonely people. But, it is a group with little support, and great sadness. As I have become better in social situations, I have become less aware of the people in the group of sadness. For these people it is hard to say goodbye. Hard, because they stay in their comfort zones, and when they lose that safety net, they become scared of the future. They dwell on the past because it's where they felt safe. Time goes fast, generations change, life is in constant forward motion. It's important to look at the past, but you cannot get lost in it. You must learn to say goodbye. It's something I'm learning how to do as I try to move on in my own life. The group of sadness must learn to do this as well. Try to embrace new things, you don't have to be everyone else, you just have to move on as yourself. Be able to be okay with how you are living life. If you aren't happy, then say goodbye to the feels, they won't help you. Look for new things you enjoy. Because for every time you say goodbye, it gives you a chance to say hello to something new. You don't have to say hello to anything, but just try to enjoy where you are. Perhaps my empathy has turned to sympathy, but I assure you, if you're stuck in the past, it will be hard to live the future.

It's All Relative

People are always looking for things to compare life to. "life's a journey." "Life's a game." Whatever it is, people need some relation to determine this big idea of life. But, the only real truth of life is being alive. There isn't necessarily this bigger meaning to it that seems to get. As though somehow life really means the entirety of existence. That's not what it means though, life is just what makes our reality. So, by creating some sort of relationship between "life" and something else, it makes you think you have a better understanding of life. Which should be true. The more life you live, the more you should understand life. Just like the more times you watch a basketball game, the more you know about basketball. Even though life may not be able to be defined as simply as these comparisons define it, life still shares certain qualities with the metaphors. So it's interesting, because people need to be able to break large ideas down to better comprehend how they work. And although we will never understand all of how life works, we can relate parts of life to what specific parts relate to.

The Unwinable Battle

We all know it is one of the most dangerous places to be in the world. And it's as controversial as it is violent. Everyday another story of bombs or missiles being sent back and forth by Israel and the Palestinians. It's hard to watch two people hate each other with such contempt. Everyday we read videos of innocent Palestinians being killed, and the oppressive reign of an Israel unwilling to use diplomacy. We watch videos of the Israeli's being forced into retaliation because they are being hit by bombs from immoral terrorists who have no intention of peace. Surely, there are people in these countries who can see the true situation? Wasn't there an anti-Vietnam war song that said, "nobody's right, if everybody's wrong?" When kids are getting kidnapped and killed this can't be right. People must see there is no justification for bombing a hospital. Unless this hospital is filled with Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, and John C. Calhoun. But, modern day Palestinians have no such hospitals. Just normal people. You can see Israel's side, since their independence they've been at war it seems. Constant attacks in which they tried to give back, but were betrayed repeatedly. Unfortunately, now they have taken it too far. They are not doing just enough to remain a state, but they are making sure Palestine never becomes one. Perhaps, there can be no peace. They seem to have passed the breaking point. Why can't they share? I don't know. Perhaps it's hard to give up land either way for both sides. They are unwilling to concede anything out of fear the other will gain too much power. So all the innocent people are left to die. There is no good guy in this war. Nobody is right. As long as both sides educate their own children to hate the other, there is no hope. They must understand we are all people. Both sides have good hearted, smart people, who can make a difference. But, it's become part of the culture to despise the other side beyond thinking of them as human. Once an enemy is dehumanized, there is no way to empathize with them. If you cannot empathize with your enemy, you will never find peace. "There is no enemy, there are only dumbies who also love their families." -AJJ
I've heard both sides, I have not seen either place. I cannot truly tell you either perspective. But, from what I have heard, I just feel sorry for everyone who is endangered over this unfortunate situation.

FInd Your Way Pal

Everyone is a philosopher. If you think, you have an opinion, and you have some sort of perspective on how life should work. Or maybe your opinion is that opinions are irrelevant because they are unique to either nothing or everything. Either way, you have an opinion. Whatever your opinion is, you should follow it to your best ability. Nobody is perfect, you will cross the line at some point, but just use your belief as a general point of reference. Some people use religion. It's never fair to categorize a large group of people into one generalization, but for the average spiritual person, I believe they are looking for a guide. Something superhuman that has power to control their world. So, whether it be something good or bad, there is a reason. It's what that was supposed to happen according to that faith. However, not all religions require a super natural presence, some are more oriented in self righteousness or inner peace.  Non-religious people have many options. One is to believe in science. To believe nature controls the world around us. Or they can believe in self preservation, or in people working for a greater cause. But, they can also believe in nothing. Anyone can believe in nothing, and if you believe in nothing, you have nothing to work for, or focus on. You have no life. Whether you believe that life is created by you or someone else. And if you have nothing, you have no reason to live. But, everyone has a reason to live, you just need to find something you enjoy. A passion. But that's just the problem with not having a perspective. Another major problem is when you become overly focused on your own perspective. (Self-indulgent) If you believe in nothing and become depressed yourself, you are hurting only you and the people you care about. (Although by believing in nothing you are not automatically depressed.) However, not allowing other people to have their own ways of living and being respectful of their own ideology can be harmful. Now, if the other ideology is human sacrifice and you were roofied and wake up with a knife by your heart then that's a different story. But, if someone follows a different religion then you, it is possible to coexist. People are different, they come from different places and backgrounds. They have different genetic make-ups and different traditions. Each person may have a different method of living their own life. If it isn't hurting anyone, then let them live in peace. This isn't anything deep, it's just an ideal.

Theories of an 18-Year Old Drama King

What would it be like to be the last human on Earth? The only human in the known spectrum of existence. It's odd to think about. All the literature about people sticking together. Sayings like, " A house Divided against itself cannot stand," would have no meaning. There would be no confrontation between people. No empathy, nor apathy. No emotional bonds. Just one person. Society would mean nothing. No cultural norm, or social awkwardness. No communication. One person would have all the knowledge. What would you do? Look for something? Or someone? There would be no one. You would only have yourself, and what's around you. Not who's around you. In our world we often look at others for assurance. If we do something we don't know very well, we often look around to try and figure it out from someone else. Maybe you don't want to voice your opinion unless someone else shares a similar one before you. You're too embarrassed. There would be no embarrassment. You'd have to cope with yourself. There wouldn't be humanitarians. No reason to work for the greater good. What would selfishness be. It would be everything, all you could do would be for yourself. Yet, it couldn't be selfish because it wouldn't take anything from anyone else. It's a weird way too look at something. Before going into a social situation that makes you nervous, what if you thought like that? Thinking You're the last person.Would you just go and do what you wanted. Pretend to be the only person so you could have fun. Would you just observe, and take in everything around you. Appreciate life around you. Or a mixture. It could give you confidence, but it could also make you selfish or arrogant. That's often how I see people. People who think there are only leaders and followers. That's all life is to them. They think they need to lead, or be lead. People who see themselves as leaders can often place themselves above others. The guy who cuts everyone else at a traffic light. Some people want to be leaders who everyone looks up to. The guy who puts his followers before himself. I suppose that is noble. What about followers though. They must have self-esteem problems. Thinking they know their place. They don't have to be lower than anyone. Why should I care if that's what they want? Maybe I just want them to at least give it thought that they could be more. If they have and are still content, then more power to them. Yet, I don't see leaders or followers. I see that person who's all alone. Who leads him or herself, no matter whether anyone else is around. It's okay to follow sometimes, as long as you are deciding you want to. Just know what you are following. If you don't want to follow, then it's okay to be alone. Just be okay with being alone.

The Same Old Thing

Sometimes people forget the situation they are truly in. It comes down to the details. I see people who are looking for something. Maybe it's because I'm looking for something. Looking for who I am, or maybe what I am. I don't know. I don't have to know. Some people do have to know. With no sense of direction in their life they feel lost. They focus on the goal they set for them self, because they are afraid of being nothing. Or maybe having nothing. But what happens when you focus on that goal? You miss out on everything else. You don't see any other side. You're looking at three dimensional objects with a two dimensional screen. But, maybe that works for you. If you're content then there is no need for change. However, your way may not work for everyone. It's important to see that. If you are 6 foot 8 inches maybe your easiest way to score in basketball is to dunk. But, for a 5 foot 2 person, maybe there better off with a layup. Or who knows maybe they established a nice mid range jumper. If your dunk isn't there, it's important to be able to give the ball off to your teammate for that layup. You can't be so stubborn on one way of scoring. Or one way of life. How do you get a job? Maybe you earn from your parent? You're dad was a successful businessman. He taught you everything you know. You take over for him. Maybe you need to practice on your own. Get an internship as a doctor, get a taste of what it's actually like. Maybe you're an artist. You like using your own creativity. Whatever works for you. Just make sure it's working for you. Your way doesn't have to be everyone Else's way. It just has to work for you.

Whose World Is it Anyway?

Sometimes, it's hard to look at yourself. Especially with everything that is going on in life. And there is a lot, whether it be war in Israel/Palestine, political aggression in the Ukraine, political obscurity in the U.S., Jeter's last season, Germany winning the cup, Dawn of the planet of the apes, new Pink Floyd albums, or whatever. There is a lot around us. But, what about ourselves. How often do you stop to look at yourself. Just think about what you're doing. Not what the world is, what society is, but who you are. You can't control the world. You can only control yourself. I've always thought that I am important, in the grand scheme of things. Like I should be doing something that will be revolutionary. Something that will benefit as many people as I can.That isn't very realistic. When I look at myself, I see a kid. A child who is scared. Petrified. Where am I going, and what have I done? I've made memories for myself. Accomplished some life goals. And at almost 19 years old I have time. But, how will I use it. I'm not just scared of myself, but of what will happen. Man fears what he can't understand. It's how you approach this fear. For 18 years I hid from it, now I finally feel as though I am fighting back. There are many ways to go about any obstacle in life. There is no right way, there is no way that is predetermined. Destiny springs from decisions. There is no way to disprove destiny, therefore it is impossible to say it does not exist. However, it is not proven. You can choose to believe in destiny, believe there is a plan that will always guide you in the right direction. If that helps you then so be it. If you prefer to believe you are in control, and that each decision you make is from freewill, then you are free to decide that. Just decide something. If you don't look at yourself, you'll never know who you are. You will get lost in everyone Else's world. Do the things they want, feel the emotions brought on by their actions. You don't have to be a go getter, you just have to find complacency. If you are content with the way something is, you don't have to let anyone else persuade you other wise. Greed is when another person persuades you to give up your happiness. Your complacency. Nobody owes anyone anything. Your life is lived for you. If you want to screw someone over. You are free to do so. You just have to live with the consequences. Whether it be jail, execution, or guilt. Finding who you are is a never ending process. Our views and our needs are constantly changing just like the world around us. You just have to take the time to see if you're changing yourself, or if everything around else, is changing you.

Fuck Thinking

Fuck Thinking. Thinking makes me think. Why are people so controlled by their thoughts? Can we control our thoughts? If we are driven by our thoughts, can we truly be accountable for our actions? What if people were held accountable for their thoughts? We'd all be fucking criminals. The mind is a horrible place. Thought is a strong part of each person. You're thoughts may lead you to religion, productivity, ingenuity, happiness, rage, depression, cults, pop culture, or what have you. Thinking is what makes you tick. But, I already wrote something about perspective, and how that's more important. But, thinking goes hand in hand with perspective. Thinking allows you to have multiple perspectives. Thinking allows me to ramble on in different directions because I have so many thoughts at the same time. It allows me to think that all my posts are starting to sound the same. But think about it, where would we be without thought. It's what makes humans, "intelligent." By thinking we can create and do. Thinking lets us be people. Thinking let's us have our opinions and characteristics. You may think this writing is bullshit. I might think you're a douche bag. I may never know what you are thinking. Actually, I never will truly know what you are thinking, it's your thoughts. That's why we say action is so important. That's the only true relation between people. How we can judge people. Sympathy is a thought. But, providing sympathy to someone is an act. Acts can be faked, but thoughts cannot. Whatever you think, has been thought. An action may come with an untrue thought. Someone may act kindly towards another person, but secretly think that person is annoying. Thinking hurts us because we think about things that hurt us. We may dwell on past events. Or, perhaps we are thinking about good times and happiness. A single thought may be motivation to pursue happiness. Which is probably important. So, to this paradox of whether thinking is good or bad, all i have to say is, fuck thinking. It's fucking confusing.

The Power of Introspection

   This was my college essay, got me accepted to 5/6 schools. Fuck Northeastern. But not you D-fas, you go have fun kiddo. Anyways, thought it might be interesting. 

 I have traveled to some parts of the world that are well known for the peace and tranquility they bring. I have been to The Swiss Alps, and seen the Matterhorn and its glorious snow-capped peak. I have been to the Vatican, to the Holy Sistine Chapel, where Michelangelo depicted God giving life to man, and I have been to Niagara Falls, where the world falls into the calm waters that lie between the United States and Canada. All these natural places allow me to ponder deeply about people.

  

However, I have never felt more satisfied and at peace in one place as I did sitting on a wooden bench in downtown Boston.

  

 The city may be noisy, crowded, and polluted by all types of transportation, by the trains, cars, buses, bikers, and even pedestrians. Yet sitting on that empty bench at night gave me a feeling of relaxation. Even though 4.5 million people surrounded me, I felt isolated in an area that was all mine. I was free to think for myself and go deeper into a solitude we rarely have time for.

   We are all looking for something. Everybody wants to find something out there that is going to make the world better for him or herself. What is out there, though? Why are we looking for something to add to our lives? I don’t mean that we should just be happy for what we have and be satisfied with who we are. No, I truly believe that we can be happy with ourselves just by looking at how we see ourselves. Introspection is a powerful tool.

   If there is something we truly don’t like about us, why don’t we just change what we do not like? Maybe it’s because we are afraid of how society will judge us, and that we will seem “fake” because either the new or old, personality will not appear to be a “real” personality trait. However, I don’t think it’s society that scares us as much as we scare ourselves. We are looking for something else because we are afraid to see that we are unsatisfied with our own lives. To change ourselves, we must recognize that something within us is a problem.

   Since the bench became my place to think, I used it to help me look at myself. I decided that I had always critiqued the people around me, and always been afraid to truly examine myself. I’ve noticed that I often don’t try to understand other people’s perspectives. Instead of always singling out other people’s mistakes, I should try to understand why they made that mistake, while realizing they don’t necessarily think the way I do. I must try to comprehend that each person has a different view on life and I have to consider this in my actions. It’s there own personal philosophy that drives their actions, and I must be respectful of their beliefs.

   How does all this relate to me or to the bench? I am a person who tries to acknowledge my weaknesses so that I can work hard to better myself. But, I am not satisfied with simplicity. So all this thought is something I do regularly, and has even become somewhat of a hobby for me. As for the bench, it just made me think and wonder.  The bench is my place of solitude, where I can try to understand the world around me, but also understand myself.

How My Life Became Livable

The saddest truth that I have come to bear in my life was in roughly my first 17 and a half years. I don't know what it is; It might be a psychological thing, maybe it's from society, or it's just who I am. But, I always felt less than other people. Like other people were more important than myself. And after a while, that method of thinking starts to drain your self-esteem. Eventually it's like the happiness and innocence of being a kid is choked out of you. It happens slowly, but it feels fast. You feel each sadness as a new pain. Every night lying awake, drowning in the sorrows of self-pity, is like gasping for a last breath. It's you crying out, trying to help yourself through your own emotions. But, it doesn't help. From probably 6th grade until sometime in 11th grade I felt this way. I felt alone. I blamed everyone else. I hated myself. I just wanted to belong. Feel some sense of purpose. Then one day I got a text from this girl from school I had met. This was second semester sophomore year of high school. Eventually we started texting more and more. Everyday, all day. I wouldn't sleep until she had stopped texting me that day because she had fallen asleep. She moved away, but I was still able to talk to her. She had some family issues, and I did everything I could to help her feel better during it. I think that's what helped draw her to me. Honestly, I had asked her out before. Over text, like a moron, and she had said no. Maybe I should have known then. Maybe I should have just stopped. But it was after that, when she got feelings for me. Then she told me she loved me. There I was, a 17 year old kid, being told someone loved him. The first time I was nervous. As I imagine most people are. I had never cared about anyone, loved anyone anything, nor had I ever felt loved or cared about by anybody. And now she says she loves me? I hadn't been face to face with her in months. Of course I told her I loved her too. Was it true at that time? Who knows? It probably took her two weeks to decide she didn't love me anymore. At that point, no big deal. It hurt a little, but I hadn't even been around her, it was all just a thought. A good thought perhaps, but still a thought based on an idea, not reality. Then of course later she tells me she loves me again. I told her I wasn't sure. She understood. I thought I learned my lesson. Then I told her I loved her. Guess I forgot my lesson. She invited me to a play at her school. This was during my junior year now. This was the first time I'd seen her since a football game at my school about five months before. She hugged me in a way nobody has ever hugged me since then that day. She grabbed me like I was the answer to all her problems. But the truth was she had been the answer to mine. We started hanging out more. One day we kissed, then we started dating, typical teenage love stuff. You don't need all the specifics. The only thing you need to know, is what she meant to me. She meant everything. That purpose I was looking for, that sense of place had been found. I was here for her. I was supposed to do everything I could to be with her and make sure she was happy. I tried the best I could. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, and there some things I wish I hadn't done, and we fought at times, and she got mad at me, but in my own feelings, there was this overall emotion of love that drowned out everything else. We dated for a year, and about a week after our anniversary she broke up with me. There were lots of things that may have contributed to this. By the time it actually happened we were both ready to move on. And of course the day it actually happened, I was still the one comforting her. I didn't really want to talk to her then. I told her I needed some time. I had told myself I'd give it two weeks and then I'd text her. But, two days before those two weeks were up she sent me a text. I find out that she had already started dating someone else. Maybe I've always been sensitive for a guy, maybe it's just life, and something millions of people have gone through, but I have never felt more alone, broken, hurt, betrayed, Fucked over, or whatever kinda corny heartbreak shit there is. Sorry for the language, but that's just how it feels. I know it's not all her fault. Maybe that makes it more sad. Because the thing that hurts the most is that she was supposed to be my best friend. After I had never cared about anyone, loved anyone, or trusted anyone, the first person I gave everything I had to could just push me away in two weeks. More like 12 days actually. And of course for someone like me, all I can think about is how my own happiness is gone. My sense of place. My purpose. It's all just lost in the winds of time. I no longer think about belonging, or purpose though. I learned what having something to care about is like. I hope to all the people who were like me at 17, that they find that something too. It's odd, I am now blinded my pain in my own needs, that I can't see the bigger part of life that was fueling my sadness. As though selfishness has allowed me to feel important. Hopefully, I am not too arrogant to the people around me, and can still help them with their problems. I understand now it's important to find happiness, because everything else just doesn't compare. Maybe the greatest happiness is love. And I feel as though my purpose is to find whatever happiness I can. Life is corny, there's a reason you hear the same stories over and over again. I hope mine was a different perspective that was interesting, but only you can decide that. If my friends read this I know they'll probably give me a lot of crap, but when I start to feel sad, writing helps me. Hopefully you all can find something that can combat your sad thoughts. And if "she" ever reads this. I'm not mad, I understand. But, I don't know if I can ever just forget everything that's happened. I'm sorry for that, and thank you for helping me to live with myself. I hope everyone can find some happiness in their lives. Everyone deserves at least a little.

Vague Statements of Culture

I don't know if anybody actually reads anything I write, but in case they do I'll keep writing. I don't have much to say to be honest. I just feel obligated to write at the moment. Probably to give myself a feeling of purpose. Why don't I try talking about culture? The World Cup is going on, seems like an appropriate time to discuss the assortment of differences human society brings from different places. Culture is an odd thing. It gives people a sentimental feeling though. Like we belong somewhere. I personally am a white, Jewish-American. Even further so, I'm from the D.C. area, but have ties to both Ohio and New York. I'll go to Judaism first because I don't feel like getting into a rant about race. As a Jew I feel inclined to accept other Jews, and feel comfortable around them. Despite the fact that I am what they call a cultural Jew. Meaning I don't really follow all the religious aspects. Which would technically mean I am not a Jew because Judaism is a religion that I don't actually follow. Yet, by the very essence of me having a Jewish heritage, and my name being Jacob Cohen, I'm a Jew. Even though I don't believe in religion, I feel more comfortable with being in a Jewish setting than any others. This is because that's what I grew up with. Doesn't make any other cultures more right,wrong, happy, sad, or anything. It just leads me to be less connected to the other cultures, and more connected to mine. You can say similar things about nationality, race, gender, political affiliation, profession, or whatever. People create ties in their lives that give them sentimental value. This is what gives fulfillment, and what makes us feel important. Yet it makes me feel guilty that we build barriers around cultures like each person is supposed to belong to an individual culture. Hopefully people can be able to mix well, but there are obviously conflicting ideologies. And, if we only had one kind of person, then people wouldn't be unique or themselves. That's all the George Orwell stuff. So what can I say. We are people, we shouldn't be so quick to generalize, because even though we may be similar to each other, nobody likes to be part of a stereotype. Whether it's true or not. Sorry this is honestly not my best work. But, I am tired and I felt like writing.

Liberals and Conservatives. Fiscal Philosophy and Why the Political Spectrum is Dumb

There are three main groups in the political spectrum. There are conservatives, liberals, and moderates. Liberals on the left, conservatives on the right, moderates in between. Which am I? The write it in the blog and hint at a certain side but never give you the full answer kind of group. It gives me a sense of undeserved arrogance to do that. Anyway, the general opinion of most conservative fiscals I've seen, is that people should be self sufficient. The reason you're poor is because you didn't work hard enough. It's no one's fault but your own. Want to make money? Go get a job, work your way up. Liberals on the other hand think that a government is responsible for its people. Not everyone can find work, not everyone is rich, they believe the government needs to support those who need help. And moderates are too indecisive to choose a side, or just don't care. Nice to know these people get a vote. So what's wrong with the liberal side? You get people paying for other people's stuff. How does the government get money to pay for those who need help? Taxing those who don't need help. People hate paying for other people. That's the real problem. Plus with the government already in debt and having other financial obligations, can the government afford to pay for all those people? So what's the problem with the conservative plan. Well, if people can't afford to pay for their own food, shelter, clothing, medicine and whatever else, then who does? The conservative way is to not worry about these people. Which means you have a large number of people in your country who can't afford life. A conservative man would say there is equal opportunity, so they had the same chance as everyone else. Your average liberal would look at how poor families are educated and how much better the chances are for wealthy children to obtain success. What do moderates say? Probably something about how both sides have valid points and do a lot of things right, but also a lot of wrong. The sad part is that the latter group is probably right. However, that's a boring way to end an argument. So I will tell you that the truth is everyone loses. As long as people have to pay for each other, or if people are dying on the streets. One way seems less extreme, but who am I to judge. Just remember as long as you characterize people into specific groups or factions, nothing gets done. Other wise you get stuck with bi-partisan bullshit that just convulses everything. Congratulations America, we live in a country where everyone is wrong. None more than myself. Cohen 2016.

Intelligence VS Intellect

This is something I wrote back in the day.

To start by introducing myself is a very basic structure of setting up a story that will be about me. And to be honest, no matter how complex and interesting I'd like to sound, I'm actually very plain and boring. To get a true understanding of myself, one would have to observe and study me. Yet how could this truly be a conclusion of who I am? From what I can find from my own experience is that most of what man thinks is never truly displayed to the world around him, but this is based on my own life and feelings. For example, at this very moment, my mind is flooded with ideas of what should go on in this paper, yet only one of these thoughts can be pressed and displayed at a time. In fact, one thought I had was to not give an example, and instead continue to generalize my opinions. This is a contradiction in itself. I previously stated that although I have many ideas only one can be written on a topic; although my two statements were not simultaneous, they were different thoughts that were both written. This makes expression difficult because even though I can logically only choose one path of thinking, the mind flutters into multiple paths, that cannot all be true, shown, or even remembered. Man's intellect is how he thinks about ideas, man's intelligence is how he processes them. A man with a high intellect may be able to decipher things in the world, and understand what is going on around him, where an intelligent person is able to output through their understandings. So to put it simply, an intellectual is a thinker. They are someone who uses their mind to guide them and comprehend, to an extent, the life around him, where an intelligent person is one who one who is able to get something out of his thoughts and find fulfillment. This may differ from society's perception of the two terms, but perception is unique to each person. I find the intelligent man to be smart, someone who learns and gains. They problem solve. A smart man always knows how to benefit, whether he wants money, drugs, cars fame, love peace, war, knowledge, or happiness. A smart man doesn't always achieve his goal, but he's always working towards it. However, this talk of intellect and intelligence brings me back to the topic of thinking. See, the intellectual has knowledge. Observed knowledge. He can think for himself, and go into deeper aspects of every subject. An intelligent man always has an answer, even when wrong or indifferent. A person has two selves. An inner self and an outer. The outer self is what is shown and how a person acts toward the rest of society. The inner self, can only be known to the person. This is how and what the person thinks. Many ideas go through a person's head and this can only be shown to the inner self. Where the outer self will show the idea that is chosen to be the best decision by the person in accordance to how they think, and how they judge this answer is recognized by the environment. This is why, our actions are so highly regarded by those around us, because even what we may tell them we are thinking, may not actually be what we are thinking. So if you wanted to observe me, your report can only be judged by what you believe to represent me through my actions, and then use my actions to best determine my thinking process. When my actions may not determine my true thoughts nor feelings.